Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Insomnia & prayer answers, & help along the way


So I have been up for almost 24hours. Yeah... My body just decides it doesn't want to rest or you know get any of that good rem sleep... Oh no we must run ourselves ragged instead for no particular reason. I now am officially having a gastroparesis flare (Pray I will wake up tomorrow well ) and that my tube is fine not coiled or something! my body truly is fascinating. I fell asleep sometime this morning and woke up at 11:30. So a few hours of sleep. Then I decided to watch the video I shared yesterday a broken vessel by elder Jeffery holland. (It's one of my favorites) in that video he said this, "whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer prayers, and you can give 'love unfiegned' " I mentioned the other day after watching general women's meeting that I was unsure how a sick person like me would be able to help a refugee. But that I would pray on it. Well I have and though I do not think this is the definitive answer it is one answer to my prayer... If we feel hopeless in a situation and unable to lend a helping hand physically. We can ALWAYS pray. I know how much prayer works. I know I have been very prayed for during times of scary health battles. And I know our loving savior hears every last one. I wasn't even going to write a post today after being up 24 hours straight. To me it feels like God just laid the post in my lap for me, like he knows my day is hard and helping me along with it. I am so blessed-chelle        


                       If you would like to watch general women's meeting:  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04?cid=HP_SA_3-26-2016_dPFD_fGC_xLIDyL1-B_&lang=eng                                 If you would like to watch a broken vessel by elder holland: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kNAx2Rgq-uI

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Long lost child



Deep within my memory

Where the grass grows to my knees

Where sparrows sing, and all creation speaks to me.

Where clouds rain in noonday sky

With castles, kings, and queens

Where hopes and dreams, and angels’ wings are common things

A long lost child falls behind

And now she is miles and miles from the present time

And just like the birds that fly across the sky
She’s been away awhile
Oh, but I will find her, free from all guile
Beautifully wild
Long lost child (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mindygledhill/longlostchild.html)          
 looking out the window watching the trees blow in the wind. The sky has been gray. There was a little bit of rainfall earlier. The wind is chaotic, very strong. Even  in The house you can feel it. Warm sweaters and blankets today. This ragged weather leads to a yucky feeling day... I am running an Iv to fight off this bad weather. My mind is running but feels like it's miles away. Bad weather has a way of making me feel funny. I am more POTSie. My body just misfires instead of working in sync or a rhythm.      I have felt prompted to talk about mental health. And mental health care. For years doctor after doctor deemed me "crazy" (as most POTS patients are told out of no knowledge of our disease) seven and a half years I was dramatic, crazy, attention seeking, anxious, depressed, and anorexic?? That did weight on me heavily because I knew deep down inside my heart that I was truly sick. And I was. (Not that any mental illness is not an illness... It just wasn't was was wrong with me) There is probably a lot of misconception on this subject. I think everyone at some point in life struggles with something. It's just part of life... How we grow. But there should be no shame in seeking help with our mental struggle. I honestly think it is so brave to take the step to see a counselor or psychologist. I also think it's wise. In conference not long ago  elder Holland touched on this very subject that we shouldn't be embarrassed or hide our mental illness but to seek help as you would any other sickness via a bad appendix or the flu. We don't think twice we go to the doctor and get the help we need. Mental healthcare should be the same way. We should pray, get priesthood blessing and seek the treatment we need. We must not beat ourselves up either, for having a hard time or going through a rough patch. It's important to remember we are never alone and how we have much heavenly help. We have our loving Heavenly Father, our angels in Heaven, and our angels on earth. This is the talk I am talking about.... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kNAx2Rgq-uI I told God I'd be his tool and I keep getting the urge to post this and touch on this topic . Hopefully it helps somebody somewhere. We are all different and unique  for a reason so don't compare yourself to others. Let your beautiful light shine bright! And struggles come trials come to build us up. Keep climbing you can do it. I promise!! Lots of love-Chelle 

Monday, March 28, 2016

I'm back home


Tonight I realized how this blog has always been my service project to others. However in reality it's ended up being such a blessing to me and my life. You know the saying"you don't know what you've got til it's gone." That's exactly my realization tonight. I lost this blog a huge blessing in my life a few months ago...  I just didn't know what to write anymore. I was dealing with hard times and harsh realities. I still struggle with them. I am chronically ill in many ways, shapes, and forms. This past year or so my house has turned into a mini. Hospital. I earned iv therapy, months of TPN via picc line. To losing my picc line from a four inch blood clot. (All while trying g to find a gi to take my case and place a gastronomy jejunal tube I desperately needed. Then I had nasal jejunal feeding tubes 3 in a months time. When I did finally find a specialist to take my case and give me a gj tube... I had issues (typical) lost a few tubes and had replacements. (And that's just my gi standpoint. I am also fighting POTS or Dysautonomia. My heart rate goes high upon standing I mean for a whole year my heart rate was 160 . I had to make a major diet change to get 10,000mg of sodium per day! (A few months after another huge diet change when my motility slowed ) medication s have came in loads and I now crush mix, syringe them into my small intestine. I have to salt load upon feeling like a rag doll and passing out, sometimes I'm dizzy laying down, I have absolutely no energy, my pain is high, my migraines chronic, I have tremors, I loose feeling in hands and drop things, I have brain fog, I loose feeling in my hands randomly and drop things (this literally just happened!
my body doesn't do anything automatically right anymore and it doesn't test for things wrong. It simply like to malfunction. I now have small fiver neuropathy. I also have other diseases two autoimmune; Sj√∂gren's syndrome and lichen planus.i have endometriosis. Asthma, bpd, hypothyroidism, gastroparesis, elhers danlos syndrome.  I received an iv pole for all these things feeding pumps and ivs. I get boxes of formula and bags monthly,
(If you are wondering about all the little cokes they are used to clean my feeding tubes) 
I now have a port that goes into my heart for iv fluids.
. I have learned how to do my own port care 100 percent! That's a whole other shelf of sterile supplies.
Compression stockings daily to help keep my blood to my brain. Oximeters and blood pressure cuffs to check my Orthostatic intolerance. A glucose meter because some times I get very rapidly dropping glucose levels. The latest add on is the wheel chair but I love it already! As my hospital groows the house shrinks lol (but did you just see me list the past year of changes, let's face it to be honest we are dipping toes in the water. I have been through trauma this year and other times as well (other stories,other days)  I just got overwhelmed, my life had changed so fast last year I think I just needed time to process it all. And there is nothing wrong with that. I prayed and prayed but my heart couldn't do it. I could not blog daily. There was too much I couldn't say because I couldn't say them to myself. Healing takes time. I think my Heavenly Father knew that. He knew what I needed and I took a break.  Being back into my blog, I get to share my stories, make new friends, support others, focus on what the Lord wants me to do. I am studying scriptures more, praying more often.  I tell him constantly "I am your tool use me"but throughout these days of blogging my heart is more full, I know I am home again serving the Lord. In my own special way-Chelle 

Meant to be brave

I know God put me here for a reason. My trials are making me stronger. I know they seem to be making me weaker, because they are. My body is broken and worn. Post holidays are rough days. And I wasn't doing well pre holiday. "You were meant to be brave" some days that's all we can do is simply be brave. For me that's letting my broken body just be broken. Trying to soothe the symptoms and letting my soul rest for this body makes it tired and worn but it is my loving Heavenly Father who comes and tells me "it's going to be okay" and picks me back up. The detours of life...brings Heaven by your side-Chelle

Sunday, March 27, 2016

This Easter

This Easter weekend was good. I sent out to find an over the counter appetite suppressant (which I did not find with out weight loss so I did not get) The short trip somehow turned into a long trip and by the time we hit the grocery (our last stop)... I not only was having postural orthostatic tachycardia and feeling like my legs were going to  just give out from underneath me. But I too was starving and extremely nauseated. (No Meds helped me that day) I could only pray begging that I would not start heaving in the grocery store check out (thank goodness my body held it together until I got in the car then I heaved as my body wanted. ) my prayers were given to me! We then went home for a much needed dose of spiritual enlightenment so of course we watched women's meeting on Saturday (after the shopping  that felt like death) and enjoyed the messages. Now I am working on how I can be better about lending a helping hand, being kinder, and I don't smile as much so I thought I could for sure fix that lol.... I also want to work on being more humble. I always feel so ready to take on the world when the spirit enters my heart. And open my heart to helping those in need. I am unsure how someone sick like me could help a refugee but I haven't closed that door I will pray on it! Spread goodness in any way.      
   
Easter was good spent some good quality time together with my fam  bamb!
 
I did break down and pig out  at our dinner and of course made myself sick. I have never felt so hungry. I have not ever been so controlled by food. I am now hooked up to my slow drain bag. With a unhappy tummy 
(Calling my doc tomorrow for help with my starving. It's so much harder for me then it's ever been and I even broke down and cried because it's just simply not fair. I want to eat yummy, juicy, sugary foods) I know I am very blessed but some days just feel like rubbing salt in the wound. But back to the top. I will struggle but I choose to fight with the lord on my side. The gift of the resurrection gives me so much hope in this life. Knowing that one day I will be whole. I have been reading St. John this week in the bible. I will follow Him! In my moments of weakness it is him I turn to and he is the reason I know I will be okay even in desperate situations. (Like unfairly starving and making myself sick to have a taste of what everyone else eats)  okay I am done complaining...On the front of my "sticky notes book" a.k.a my book of faith ( I highly suggest having one, it's a place with all my favorite scriptures and quotes from talks all in one place to go to when in need)
with all my scripture quotes, it reads: "D&C 112:20 whosoever receiveth my word receiveth me." God loves you so much that's why he sent his son for you! Jesus Christ loves you so very much too . Let them love you and wrap their love around you. My favorite scripture quote I have memorized D&C 84:88, "I will be on your right hand and on your left and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up." I can testify that is true.  I know this is true and there is simply not a lot of room between your right hand, your left hand, it's you in the middle wrapped in God's love. Remember that! Happy Easter -Chelle 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

I am STARVING; rice rice baby

rice rice baby!.... I am literally starving having a feeding tube and a paralyzed stomach doesn't make me not want food. In fact I struggle with feeling starving. Literally. I get all the nutritional values I need through my feeding tube that goes into my small intestine. So it's ok for me to not eat by mouth. In fact it's better. Because my stomach is paralyzed food sits in my stomach for hours even up to days at a time. I pretty much vomit what I eat. (And even then I'm still hungry) it is so annoying wanting to eat always. I am looking into an appetite suppressant (not for weight loss) just for my brain to be like not starving. I mean this is getting ridiculous! I ate jelly beans today which obviously was not a good decision on my part and threw up for half an hour! This is what I deal with so hopefully the rice is plain and I will be okay and feel "better"I'm going to eat this rice now... Or my arm. peace out! I'm starving for a cure-Chelle 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

I can hear you

I  know God is telling me this because, yes it's a song but I keep hearing it, "I've still got a lot of fight left in me." Everytime I worry about being sick or my future. Every single time my mind starts to wonder it is automatically cut off by that simple phrase. today that rings in my head everytime. So apparently I still have a lot of fight left in me...my heart is going to continue to fight.what a comfort. this is simply my olive branch. My tender mercy. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be brave -Chelle          
  Genesis 8:11 "And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth."        
                                  I just received the news I have serval ovarian cysts and that is probably causing bladder spasms... So looks like the sooner I see dr Desai the better! Ugh another surgery. Endometriosis stinks but I feel relieved that hopefully I don't have yet another medical problem which is the direction yesterday was going. All the endometriosis and cysts are old news... Having a rough night. My medicines making me super nauseous and my gastroparesis is acting up. Hoping tomorrow's better-Chelle 

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Being sick is just so much fun

First my heart goes out to the people involved in the Brussels attack... You are all in my prayers. It breaks my heart to see  our missionaries involved and injured. But if there is one thing I know is trials bring triumph.
Today is trial, I have been really sick the past few days in comparison just in a lot of pain and fatigued. I have had extreme pelvic pain... Had an ultrasound and got some Pyridium today. And if you have ever taken that you'd know how frustrating it is to put through a feeding tube. Will know more in a few days thinking my bladder is inflamed. . I hope this isn't a sign that I have another thing wrong with me....still waiting on my kidney doctor and I will be seeing urologist and I made a consult with my pelvic pain specialist dr Desai (but she is so good people from all over the world come to see her and she is scheduled out so June I will see her) and we assume endometriosis to be the culprit...
update on the medication for my migraines I was talking about, sumatriptan. Well my gi tract doesn't work so my neurologist put me on a shot of sumatriptan. Well I spoke to my neurologist, dr. Saperstein whom I love by the way! He always calls me himself like even over medication issues. He is amazing most doctors have their nurses do that but he wants all the info. (Yes he is that good) anyways so we had a chat about my side effects and he was concerned about the chest pains so severely. He decided it was going into my system too fast via shot form. So we started with pre authorization for a patch that is battery operated that you put on the skin and it delivers the medication that way. Well I got a call today insurance wants me to try the inhaler first. Which I am actually happy because that seems easier to have an inhaler instead of a patch that runs off batteries. So we are. Going to do sumatriptan in an inhaler form for my bad migraines! Fingers crossed! This day 
 is rough I have been in a lot of pain for well a week minus my good day (still in pain but function was high). Idk what's going on. Whatever. This body of mine ! Hoping for healing-Chelle.                                                "we pray for blessings , we pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity, we pray for your mighty hands to ease our sufferings, and all the while you hear each spoken need. Yet you love us too much to give us lesser things"-Laura story. 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

I am overdone

I over did yesterday. This body is so mad at me last night I had a full pots flare. I mean I was dizzy lying down. Plus my pains up on the pain scale unfortunately lately. I have hopes it will pass in a few weeks or line back out my medication for it I don't like and I for sure don't want to up it.... Grateful for my album HYMNS that are important to us by Joey &Rory Feek. (To comfort me) Putting heaven in my heart makes all these bad days better. There is a reason.
I have spent the day laying around and being a super tubie draining my stomach and feeding in my small intestine. Gastroparesis is so much fun and the dysautonomia that wreaks havoc on my body is a real peach too.-Chelle 

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Endometriosis awareness month and why it is not annoying

March is Endometriosis Month. And GUESS WHAT?! I have Endometriosis. It's stupid and dumb and frusterates me a lot. I have had two surgeries to remove it and am going to be having another one in the nearer but further future. I see Dr. Anita Desai. (Whom I adore) Dr. Michael Hibner is the other doc there at St. Joseph's pelvic pain center (in pheonix Arizona) they are a specialist of a specialist so they REALLY know their stuff! Like really!! I couldn't even see straight my pain was so bad and one not so fun surgery and three years of physical therapy I have my bad days now not 24-6 of pain and gynos scratching their heads in mass confusion. Oh and birth control pills help yes. But they are NOT a cure by any means. And I am so lucky after years and I mean years of taking them I can't take them my body has a cow always have they don't help me I get estrogen depleted which turned into a night mare. enough about me though. Here is why endometriosis awareness is not annoying or awkward. It is a real disease people. According to endofound.org 176 million women have endometriosis which is 1 in 10 females.  And we get it during our reproductive years 12- 60 years!!! This is why it IS so important to teach younge women that endometriosis exists and it's symptoms: pelvic pain, bad cramping during menstration, heavy bleeding, long painful periods, diarrea, urinary issues, and So much more. Thank goodness my mother fought for me that I was not a dramatic teen girl because I in fact had endometriosis living in me. And that was a long bumpy road I'm not even going to go down today. How to diagnose? There is only one way to diagnose endometriosis ONE and that is by laparoscopic surgery. It's not a big surgery typically just a few teeny tiny  incisions to place all the tools and your good they excise or lazer off the lesions and patch you up til next time unless your case is extreme then your in for a bigger surgery but we won't hope for that! Another reason knowledge is good because it grows endometriosis those lesions just grow and grow so leaving them makes endometriosis worse with time. It's also one of the leading causes of infertility in women (unfair) so now you see how this disease is real, and needs anore research and help so visit my friends at the endometriosis foundation of America to learn more or how you can help.

Endometriosis Foundation of America

www.endofound.org                           *Stay endostrong ladies that fight this battle you are so strong keep fighting you got this much! yellow love-Chelle

My miracles from heaven re-view

Before we left, me and my momma took a before lol
On the way there on the car...
In the theater with my tubie feeds
I cried... A lot. They represented paralysis of the gi tract  & pseudo obstruction very well. They get a big thumbs up! I cried for myself I cried for the other sufferers of gi tract paralysis. I cried because a lot of it hit home to me. Being in the ER all the time getting told it was nothing. Getting wrong diagnosises and being told to be happy it could be much worse , knowing in my heart that was not what is wrong. Worrying about dying. Feeling so sick that you think , "all right this is it." Then it turns to "please just let me go home." (Because the pain becomes too much and heaven obviously would be the better alternative we think at the time.) It's good to know what's wrong but it quickly turns to turmoil and help is scarce to find. What do you do when doctors can't help it simply won't even be bothers to try. I saw and called over thirty gastroenterologist in our state and got told by all but three.... Yes, three!! That they wouldn't even try or consider treating gastroparesis. When I asked,"why" I would be told repeatedly, "there is no cure. It's too complicated so we choose not to treat it." To me that still makes me mad. Even if I did not have it I would be mad. I eventually found help. A lot of Fight. Fight. More fight.... Day by day is where you take it. Then learn minute by minute (at least for me).... Oddly, One thing I found funny was the doctor (her motility specialist at the Boston hospy) was just like my gi dr Pitea ... Just tone down the craziness of kids and add a dose of serious for adults. (He is pretty funny though) so that oddly was something I related to that I definetley was not expecting. We are always joking in the endoscopy lab! I also have typically the coolest nurse that plays music on his computer and is super calm yet hilarious. And he always is the best about my million warm blankets because I have to come out of anesthesia slowly so my POTs doesn't get too mad. And I have struggles with body temperature regulation... I actually am like super cold and I shiver for like hours of they don't listen to me and help warm me up. (Majority of post op nurses think I am dramatic because everyone is typically cold coming out of anesthesia it's cold in those rooms) but mine is dysautonomic dysfunction. I love  feeling taken care of and the lightness of the conversation they give....that is the best way to be before being put under anesthesia not the whole dry serious bit. I worry a lot less that way!                                      One topic that stuck out to me was feeling alone and letting our faith take a vacation. I personal think the grief has a lot to do with it but that frustration comes and it comes in waves. I have questioned, cried,and angrily yelled at God for not healing me. I just didn't understand what I did. Why my? My answer was always,"you are special you have a purpose (as we all do) you have work to do." I would consistently reply, "but I don't want to be this way. I want to be Normal." Then one day a bolder answer came to me:(after the billionth I don't want to) "you chose this body this life. You knew what you were getting into in the pre existing"and I knew how totally right and true that was. I was willing begging to come. Part of me thinks maybe I was a little bit over my head and I didn't think it through. I mean obviously. But then I realized why not me??? Why bot be this way?? But the blessings I receive In  this life out weigh all the bad times. They simply just do. Some days are long and lonely. Sometimes though you battle the war with your family and friends by your side. Yet you still feel so alone. No one gets it or understands what it is like. Well my friends that's not true. It comes out of my mouth a lot but I know it's just frustrations building. Heavenly Father never lets us be alone. His grace, peace, patience, And never ending love are ALWAYS there. He KNOWS what we are feeling. He is there I promise you that we are never truly alone in this life. Though bad times come with trials and we may seem alone if we cling to the knowledge that our loving savior has been through everything and died for us. If we cling to heaven and keep eternal perspective... We will win the ultimate battle of life. He is the gift of never being alone. He lives for me. The least I can do is let him in my heart and remember even in the deep trenches of turmoil he hears me, he is there. I (we) are NEVER alone. Fight for patience (and I will work on that too because we all know that muscle in me needs a lot of excersice)-Chelle   (I may have overdone it today I just want to wash my makeup off but laying here too dizzy with tachycardia. I need salt) I feel this compliments this post well. Watch: http://www.mormonchannel.org/blog/post/because-jesus-walked-alone-you-dont-have-to?cid=social_20160320_59506416&adbid=10154098343312450&adbpl=fb&adbpr=94574597449

miracles from heaven YAY!

Waiting to go see the movie Miracles from heaven later this afternoon. I have been trying since Wednesday to go see this but my body being its typical self wouldn't allow me to. So I am now impatiently waiting with my feeds.
Just a few more hours! I hope it represents gastroparesis well! I don't want to see this horrid disease that kills be protrayed as no big deal. I will post my "review" later!!! Yay I better be able to take a picture with the cut out of that tree or I might cry I need good gp luck! Or a cure!  Thank goodness I have Gwen Stefani's new album, this is what the truth feels like to keep me entertained in the meantime. much Love-Chelle P.S. My little cousin is doing much better he has gotten out of the icu he has a cracked skull and a plate put in for that. Then a pin in his elbow. What a scary day for his family he fell off a cliff on accident. So send good vibes and prayers to them and thank you for praying for those of you who already have!! XO!    Here is the link to the movie: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CldGTG6iVrU

Thursday, March 17, 2016

A Day of March 2016 happy St. Patrick's day

Sitting in the sun looking at the sky thinking about how fragile life can be.
Just hug your loved ones. always let them know you love them. Period. Had a good day today I fought some bodily battles but won with one appointment and physical therapy down. And makeup and messy bun hair. However I came home to find out a cousin of mine had a bad accident today they life flighted him. So please keep him and his sweet fuly in you prayers thank you! LOVE-Chelle  p.s. Happy at Patrick's day! 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Recoup

Today has been a day of recouping. After I finished my magnesium Iv I had the worst migraine and My spine hurt badly too. It was not fun and I was up late with it. When I went to use my sumatriptan shot I remembered the first time I used it I had some pretty bad side effects and everything that happens says to call your doc and not take it. Hmph so I used promethazine and Benadryl and it helped but didn't make it better. And my body was flared and it flared up and angry today too so mostly I've slept all day and when I ate I have been running a drain bag all day. So tummy is slower then typical and I basically feel like a power outlet that is being shorted and like I was ran over by a semi truck. I wanted to see heaven is for real at the movies but will have to another day.- lots of healing love vibes, Chelle

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Physical therapy

Me post therapy...SO tired getting an Iv and running feeds holding myself up with the Iv pole haha
Physical therapy has been tough for me. I can go in fine and leave feeling like the walking dead. But today was one of the good sessions where I did my therapy and felt good after! It's always a blind side thought walking through those doors... My therapy remains the same every time but my body reacts differently depending on the day. I keep fighting and often listen to "fight song" by Rachel Platten. Because I still got a lot of fight left in me which is good because I have a long ways to go. ( physical therapy is a treatment for POTS but it does not mean I am healthy or healed it's just suppose to help me. When I was diagnosed with pots I was handed a few pamphlets that made me so frustrated. I will never forget reading about these ladies. One in particular could run five. yes, five miles a day and not walk up a flight of stairs and she wasn't very functional either with daily tasks. I struggle with stairs I honesty thought I had a weird stair phobia from being pushed down them by my sister once when I was little but it actually was my orthostatic intolerance. Not physiological at all. I still can't do the stairs and though I am building muscles I can't go to the mall or any long period of time my body can't tolerate it. It's truly am oddity. one day doing the slide board proudly. I videoed my work ...it wasn't until I got home and watched this short footage I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought that day in fact I down right was still weak after a few months of therapy... But I know if I keep pushing it won't hurt I am afraid of falling but as the new sign I bought the other day says, "but what if I fall? Oh by darling what if you fly?"-Chelle 

Monday, March 14, 2016

My life is a mess

Tonight I found a this while cleaning and I remember writing it during conference. It was a sign literally for me.....
 My life is a serious mess right now! I am up and down and all around. But you know what that is okay... I have been dealing with life simply, life. Being sick always adds to my simply life stress. But life is hard and a time of tests and trials! They better us and though I haven't been blogging because I have been processing my big messy life. I have felt a great deal of guilt. I was constantly confused at my writers block and not knowing what to even blog about. And when I would type something up my heart didn't feel in it. I felt like I was letting God down. He is my inspiration for this blog that and to help others. I have been completely honest in my posts on this blog. I have shared my darkest times, my fearful times, my shrieking nightmare times, my triumphant and proud times , and even my sad times in this journey of my life. I wanted to help others in their day to day life especially those who were sick or going through any of the other life's greater challenges. To know one day at a time with God on our side we are going to not only be okay but blossom into the most beautiful , divine, loving souls. I am so chronically sick and it bites but it also blesses me a great heap! The other night I was feeling so bad I. General physically and mentally I was tapped out. I prayed to God with all my heart. I poured out everything and I. All of my everything this blog came out too and my pending guilt of quitting though it was never intentional. It just happened. Do you want to know my loving Heavenly Father's repsond to me? He told me I was not selfish and that I should never feel guilty for o had already helped more people then I would ever believe. That I had poured my very darkest intimate times and posted it for any body in this world to view. I shared my private times and worst times with you out of the hope in my heart that some one somewhere needed to hear what I had to say and see that I struggled too. I don't feel bad for stopping my blog as I have but I have felt so encouraged since that chat with God to start posting again. That starts now my friends. So welcome back to my crazy wonderful life!  I will end with an update on my current medical situation... I am still working on treatments I have been in physical therapy since November. It's been hard and stressful and even very emotional to see my weaknesses. Me and my neurologist are working with medications and natural ways to help my condition POTS aka dysautonomia. I am still eating through my jejunal feeding tube but I am hard headed and keep eating by mouth leading to puking almost daily....
I am starving always. I dislike it a huge amount. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Being sick is tough. I have started seeing a kidney doctor because we suspect my kidneys are not absorbing properly (even for a pots patient) I have been waiting on tests. I will see a rheumatologist hopefully in the near future who only takes hard cases to try figuring out once and for all my rheumalological mess. I still use my port for Iv therapy and I am learning how to make compressions work into my outfits. Through the muck and mess I am gaining muscle tone and strength but it's completely complicated because I am still sick and weak and worn despite this. I am still chronically fab and taking it one day at a time. much Love-Chelle