Never loose your sparkle 2018

My spine may be leaking, my brain bleeding, and my heart full. I can't drive or take care of myself currently. I am on strict bed rest and when I went to the pharmacy with the Husband tonight, because I was bound to go stir crazy in this house... I stumbled like a drunk due to my spine leaking... And I got very stared at as if I were an alcoholic or something of sorts. But I kept going because well, when you get lemons you made lemonade! 

Something I have not been able to do for a long time is lift another sick person up. That's a big reason I haven't been blogging anymore. You see when I got sick, I was inspired by God to share my story. I wanted to help others with the gift Heavenly Father bestowed upon me, that trials are our biggest blessings in this lifetime. That's something my heart firmly believes in to this day. Hard times come but they come for a reason to stretch us further then we could have ever done on our own through God. That's what life is all about, getting our bodies, learning the things we need to go onto our next life, our eternal life, in Heaven. This is what brought me comfort was my faith in God and God's timing. I always knew in my heart there was a fire that burned to help light other's facing hardship. I simply prayed and followed what God put in my heart. As I went into partial remission in 2016, it got substantially harder to feelconnected to  the chronically sick. (I was not cured and still had many of my own health issues.) I did not understand why it was SO hard for me to share my story and my knoweldge and faith in God and his plan for us all. I think I was trying too hard and when I couldn't just make it happen easily, I took a step backwards. Because, everything I've ever done regarding this blog, has been in my heart. So, I decided to pray about it. God told me it was okay to stop blogging. He told me I had helped more then I could ever imagine. And it hurt my heart a bit to stop but, I knew at the time I needed to do Chelle time. And honestly, I am glad I did. I lived and experienced things that I needed to during that time in my life to get me to the next phase of life. Of course during that time, there were definite trials and conflictions in my heart that I wasn't doing enough in my power to help others. And I would try but I just didn't have the answers and the comfortable knowledge within me. Kinda as if I lost my spark. Writing became  extremely hard and I literally would just sit here and stare with writers block. I never plan a post and I never had an issue. That's why this blog is a hot mess. It was straight from the heart and published. Easy peasy. But tonight after enduring a hard month of pain and suffering, my heart felt that spark! And I was brave enough to reach out to a fellow spoonie. I gave my heart felt testimony that we are SO much more then our bodies and each and everyone of us is oh so precious! We each have a plan Enternal and God's love for us never fails. Trials are life's biggest blessings but not to be confused that a trials do in fact hurt and weighs  heavy mentally and physically too often. But God has given me this platform in this life. I was a very sick disabled girl who functioned highly and fell straight on her face at 18 years old. I required lots of care and I almost died many times. Most of these times, I didn't even have a proper diagnosis, and I'd bounce around from different specialists begging for help. You all know my stomach paralyzed from my neurological disorder "Dysautonomia" and I lived through feeding tubes and central lines. Then I got better and ate by mouth. I also have found the one whom my soul loves and I get to tell others.. I did not think anyone would ever want to marry me or love me. I was too sick. But here I am eating and married. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone! Being sick hurts but you are still you inside. God is going to work through you. My work has to be with being ill and trying to find the precious inspiration in the mess of that. Because giving up hope is never an option. God will always be there for you! No matter how little or strong you think you are. He is there letting us learn and grow into the divine eternal beings we are. So we can come home to him again perfectly. Do not let your trial ruin you for it is the beauty of faith that builds you up. You are stronger then you believe! We humans can do anything through God and his ever-loving faith. Broken my body may be, but my soul is full of gratitude and thanksgiving for the simplicity of happiness life truly brings. Hug your loved ones extra tight, dance in the rain, smile through the pain, and never loose  your hope and your divine sparkle! (I am back!!)  -Chelle 

November Blues?

I have not known where to pick up my blog. I have had a sick brain and that totally disturbed my writing. Simple tasks became hard. I guess I'll just do a time line of what has been going on the last few months. This way everyone is caught up. I was in the hospital for several weeks Then once out I had to stay in the valley. I could not travel due to the altitude change. It posed a huge risk to my brain. So, once I was out of hospital I stayed in the valley and I was on bed rest the whole time. It got to the point where they told me, you're so sick this is just the way it's gonna be. There isn't enough medication to safely manage this pain. So I waited and about a week out of hospital they did another blood patch. Blood patch #3, and #4. They really went to town with these patches and patched my whole mid back down. This process  helped significantly! I was better from that point. (Well I had to recover but the issues and head pain.) We did a the myleogram later even thought the risks of causing a leak were high. They needed a map to see where things say. Well they way well because in this particular test it didn't show anything active. When I had this myleogram, I personally think it caused me a small leak becaus, I was never the same after this very test... So I was sent to neurology for further care. I've been waiting on this process.

Mean time I was beautifully blessed with a wonderful, perfect wedding day! It was hard getting there! There was definite sucking it up and pushing through days but I got there! It was worth every single thing!! It was perfect. The weather was good for a fall November day! It didn't rain or snow! (My worries because we had to push the wedding date out because I was so sick.) I felt good during the wedding and reception!! I know Heavenly Father was behind this blessing. And now I'm happily married to my best friend 💕 We do intend to be sealed in the temple on our anniversary.(I would like to add, never give up HOPE! If you are sick and you think you'll never get married because of it... Stop! I was there. I wouldn't even date for years due to believing I wasn't ever going to be enough to be loved. Or I was too sick for marriage... No you are always enough and the right person won't care about it! So keep dreaming!!) I've just been busy turning my house into a home. We have been very blessed with gifts and are oh so thankful! But I have to admit there was a day when I was tired of opening boxes and cleaning things to cook or eat. Haha! It was Christmas in the G home for a month but my heart is in love with having my own kitchen to cook in. I don't know why there has always been something spiritual about cooking in the kitchen on a icky day and listening to Hilary Weeks or hymns.

Unfortunately, I have been down the past two weeks. (But don't worry my floors are still clean thanks to this beautiful blessing! With my back issues and health issues we felt it was a very worth getting!) One day I simply dropped something and bent over to pick it up. I blew my blood patch. The only way I can describe this feeling is to put a water ballon next to your spine and pop it. My spine is still leaking. I immediately contacted the Blood Patch doctors. They needed neurology to do an order for a blood patch. But Neurology deemed me "too complex  patient" (because of my Dysautonomia  and other medical conditions) and thought that being in bed, in pain, on pain meds, and having neurological side effects for the next two and a half weeks would be better for me. So I have an appointment this coming Monday. I pray the doctors can squeeze me in for a blood patch! If I don't end up in the hospital sooner. I have only progressed downhill fast. I started hearing voices, and I hallucinated two nights in a row. My vision is messed up, my speech is all over the place. My blood pressure is high again.  I have the same stroke face and I have those episodes of seizures again. It's honestly gotten scary again for me. I don't know when to take myself into the ER. Last time I had  aystemic meningitis, bleeding brain, and CFS leak. So I don't know what symptom came from which problem. They told me yesterday they thought my brain currently is bleeding with the newer symptoms and my history. So I currently have a treatable Spinal fluid leak that is beating up my brain and possibly making it bleed.
How do I get through this stuff? I pray often, hard, and a lot. That's the only thing that gets me through these crazy challenging times. No matter what's going wrong in your life or how scared you are, pray. Cling to Heavenly Father and I promise he will always be there to help comfort you! It doesn't mean the trial will leave, but easiness can take place as well as healing of the mind and body. I don't know how I got SO sick but I do know my Heavenly Father loves me and can heal me. I have felt angels around me on very dark nights. I know D&C 74: 88

"And whoso receiveth you, I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be in your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine  Angels round about you, to bear you up."   This very scripture quote has been my glue through every single crazy thing I've stumbled through. That's why I repeatedly share it. I know it's truths. I've witnessed it too many times. I'm not going I let this pain win. I'm not going to let my mind play tricks on me of self doubt.  I currently can't drive a car or do anything out of the house alone. I think loosing that independence has been the very hardest soul crushing part. The longing for normality and the frusterations of " I can't".  I do not know why this is happening now or why Husband has to go through this great trial with me. Especially so early in our marriage. But I know our engagement was full of trials too. They brought us closer. We both learned things and I believe that's what trials are truly about. Learning to dance in the rain, even if you're in pain. So, I'm frightened again but I know things will be what's meant to be. I'll get me feet back underneath me again. Hopefully soon this will be behind us. In the meantime, Prayers -Chelle  My best friend works hard to make me laugh and we find ways to have fun even when you're stuck in bed or on a couch! Our first Christmas tree and our cute couples onsies. They match too! This man puts up with a lot of me!