It's going to be okay.

Another sleepless night.  I don't know if this means the treatments to pull me out of coma brain are working, or if my body is just being its abnormal self.  I have had a lot of time to think lately. And I do know that it is going to be okay. God will heal me again. In his time, not mine. But I will be well again. It is gonna take a lot more work and a little more effort.

This popped up on my newsfeed after I said my prayers that were of gratitude tonight for all that I do have. 

This year has been a very trying year. I have felt emotions of all kinds. Brain injuries are no joke. Poor health care next to abuse is no joke. And I was handed both unfortunately this year. I have not talked a lot about this but when I almost went comatose and seized several times 24-7, the neurologists in the hospital called me crazy. First theory was that my husband was abusing me and next was my parents where playing Into "it". It referring to me being dramatic and crazy. I don't know how this could make a personal nearly die or go into a coma... my body literally shit itself down. The hospital neurologist told me this theory and called my neurologist and told him, "that he knew I was dying and did not want to deal with me." "She is too complicated " my neurologist by the grace of God knew what was wrong with me and begged them to run just one dose of Ivig and see how it would save me... something I had been on for nearly a year at one point. So it wasn't new to my body. I really had nothing to loose at this point in time. That hospital refused and sent me home to die. They knew..and they didn't even tell me, though I knew... I felt how terribly sick I was. I don't remeber majority of these times but they happened. They led my family to believe I was a wack job. Also lucky for me I had a supporting, loving family that did not buy into this ridiculous theory. My neurologist was not seeing patients at this time and was out of work but kept in contact with us due to the dier circumstances. So because he was not in practice it stalled me out to seek proper treatments faster. And I faded. He told me it would be one heck of a year. He said it would be gut wrenchingly hard. He had me on as much steroids that could be prescribed which led to awful side effects and temporary cushings syndrome. I gained a ton of weight, was unrecognizable at one point due to moon face, I was covered in sores that turned out to be from steroids, I lost a lot of hair, and most importantly I lost my brain. But that steroid saved my life... I temporarily lost pretty much all functions. I went non responsive for 30 minutes the end of January. For a time I looked exactly like I had a stroke. My right side didn't work.  I couldn't talk or hold a spoon to feed myself. I could not walk. In fact I still struggle to walk properly. The funny part is it's not recognizable to the blind eye. Some days I can't decide what year it is. Basic things are just not clear anymore.  I temmor, I hurt like never before.

 I can't even begin to explain the unimaginable year I've truly had. There just aren't enough words. My poor mother lost her job because of me needing her care and help. So I hid away, mostly to take time to heal but no one needed to see the true horrors of my reality. I have progressed with treatments but I'm still just not there and I may never be there again. Until Heavenly Father confirmed it to me tonight. On another sleepless night I lay awake and try to digest all of these things that happened this year. I try to refocus on the larger picture and what God would want from me to learn from this. Because after all that's why I am having to endure this. It is gonna be long and hard. As it alwaysseems.to be with these trials.of health. I fight though, and I can still advocate for myself. Something I have not felt able to do since all this hit. Heavenly Father can and will heal my broken brain. And I am still a smart girl. I may take a little longer and it may take a little more effort but I am not quitting this fight. I will walk in faith and my Heavenly Father will wall besides me the whole way. There is a journey ahead of me but I choose to look up not down. I have been grieving long enough now it is time for my voice to be heard. -Chelle