Particularly feeling

I don't particularly feel like writing today. I'm feeling defeated and I typically hide these emotions from here. I have a feeling once I start writing this, I'll feel better! That's usually the case.  I am a huge believer of hope and making lemonade out of lemons. I know that our Heavenly Father has given us each a plan. I know to endure, until the clouds lift and the sun comes out once again. That's the thing about bad times, the sun eventually always shines again after the storm passes. Some storms are short, and some storms last weeks. Sometimes the storm even blinds our vision as to what's ahead. This is where we learn to be strong and trust in Heavenly Father. We go through storms hand in hand with him, faithfully walking blindly, knowing what comes our way is meant to be. The storm will eventually clear and vision will be regained. I could feel the clouds lifting last week and this weekend another unseen storm rolled in. Prayers are appreciated as always.  (I've gone a bit backwards with my CFS leak) I've decided to do bed-rest for the next few days. It seems that I blew my blood patch. I was finally feeling some what human and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I sat in the recliner sideways (I'm petite), to keep my shoes off the furniture. I mean after all I was not raised in a barn! Lol. This left my spine in a "C" position. I wasn't even thinking when I did this... Until it was too late. While I sat there very briefly, I heard a noise comparable to fabric ripping. I checked my clothes. (Especially since I've gained some stress weight through this traumatic recovery process.) However with the noise I felt a spot in my back where my leak starts feel cold. Other CFS leak symptoms proceeded to come back. About 24 hours past this I was in bed miserable with positional headache (or what I call the headache a normal person has never had! It's way worse and intense, you can feel every blood vessel in your brain (the pressure is so severe, I actually get anxious that my brain will explode.), nausea, severe pressure behind both eyes, face neuropathy, stroke face, taking weird, burning neck, unsteady hands, wonky vitals. Pain in head upon changing positions. Like laying down helps... But sometimes for me standing helps, and if I stand the movement of the standing up from being down will make my head throb so bad. Or vice verses I will be up and not feeling well, in need to lay down. So the movement of standing to sitting even is horrific head pain. These CFS Leak symptoms are so very specific now. I recognize them. Another person with these has advised me that total bed rest for 3 days can allow the blown blood patch to reseal. The good news also is the patch obviously took or I wouldn't be experiencing this hard stuff again upon breaking the seal. (Obviously have a call into the doc. But it was weekend. I am not jinxing anything but, it didn't hurt me to do bed-rest. Well maybe it broke my stubborn pride...lol!) This has been so rough mentally. The second I thought life was coming back to me again, it was yanked from me, again. Over sitting in a chair wrong!! I'm struggling mentally from the trauma of the whole situation. The thing I never wanted to happen. Happened. It wasn't just POTS... Something was seriously wrong with me and I couldn't get proper help despite having a whole team of specialists. The one specialist who should have caught this sooner, before it became so severe... Ignored me. This should have been caught months ago, not when it was so severe my life was endangered. I could have died. Those emotions come in waves. I've chosen to move forwards and not focus on this. The trauma will go away with time. I put my focus to healing, and my new group of helpers (specialist). They took me on when they didn't have to. For that I'm thankful. I like to look at  the positives and try to forget the negatives. I am still human and the negatives come up, but I try to not let them consume me fully. Time keeps ticking and I keep trying my best. Last week I had a decent day and finally got dressed like a person. I know sick people talk of this topic often... We may look incredibly healthy, & happy. It looks like we must be cured or not in need of help. I'm going to use last week's selfie for example. 

I know I look well here, I feel happy in this out cure because it was the first time I had worn makeup in over a month. My souls was happy this day. This helped me persevere to get dressed and curl my hair. Because those things to me make me feel alive. It's soul food. I have to embrace these moments, for I miss too many not to embrace them all!! 

But what you don't see in this photo is....

the breaks I took getting ready.  That all I did this day was just that get ready and take a few selfies in my yard, and returned to bed. That I was tired for the day simply from getting makeup on and curling my hair. That despite looking well I'm chronically sick with several conditions and I recently almost died. I have a spine injury and it's very severe. I may need surgery soon to fix it. I am recovering from a bad brain bleed, meningitis, and a CFS leak. A three week hospital stay that has left me with full body de-conditioning. The amounts of pain killers and other medication cocktails taken, for me to be able to even do this. All I did was get ready for the day and stand in my yard taking selfies. (Is that super well?) I am just trying to enjoy my good moment on these days.. And it's not about getting likes on social media... Its fuel to my soul, allowing myself to feel as normal as possible, feeling happiness for a short moment in the depths of despair, allowing myself to come up for air because I'm being water boarded. It's  the message that I'm still trying despite all the things I've been going through. I full heartedly believe in fueling your soul. When God gives you a window open it up and enjoy the fresh-air  breeze. I believe in hope in hopeless situations. I believe in smiles and letting your happy soul shine out of your eyes to the world. I believe in being an example to others, that hard times do not have to win. "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust in God and believe I good things to come." -Jeffery R. Holland. This quote is perfect from one of many favorite talks. I just love Elder Holland. His talks come very personal with me and they help hold me up when the storms roll in.) I am sick.  I am feeling broken and bruised, but my spirit is in tow. And I know I have the help of my Heavenly Father every single day. He gives me what I need and helps me move along. Hand in hand. He has blessed me with angels here on Earth to catch me when I'm down, and to hold me up when I'm too weak to stand, the love is endless. There isn't a burned that can't be lifted with lots of love. Be kind to all. Love one another, & simply do your best. Don't measure your best efforts to any others. Just you and focus on your goals, where you want to go or do in this life. You may be limited at times in this life, but you're not limitless. -Chelle