I let my illnesses bully me.

Today it hit me. I've gotten to the point to where I felt decent wearing makeup. (After a battle with steroid induced acne that was horrific. Makeup was even too painful to apply, even if I had wanted to.)  To realize I still don't feel good about myself. Makeup used to be my armour. Something I enjoyed on a sick day. A coping mechanism because, I looked well on the outside and I could pretend I was fine on the inside.

Well the insides won this time. I don't know how. I have NEVER let my health beat me down. It ravished me this year more then most people are aware. It's no secret I almost died and the treatments where rough to me. But for months I couldn't leave my house. I cried every time I looked in the mirror as the steroids and I mean massive amounts of steroids for months that almost killed me alone. That stopped my immune system and pushed my little body beyond belief.

These steroids changed me. At one point I was not recognizable to my home health nurse outside of my voice. I don't think I'll ever be the same. The weight gain, now the zillion stretch marks, the acne, now losing my hair. BUT I am alive. I am here & though I wasn't always happy, I'm happy. It hurt in unphathomable ways. But I did it. But it bullied me. Being sick and these treatments locked me up in my house.I hid from literally the world. And I just realized that as now I can put my makeup on after relearning how to do it with the brain issues. Now I feel ugly because I feel bald, though I'm not completely. Plus my hair that's left is just fuzziness. But I'm still me. And I was thinking today, "what's the point in putting on makeup? It doesn't matter. It won't matter for months or another year when I feel normal again." And that's when I realized I let my illnesses bully me.

                           

 I let the weight gain, the pain, the hair loss, speech issues, and feeling like a total dummy when I can't comprehend the simplest thing bully me. No. This isn't going to be. Not anymore. I embrace the flaws of illness. I will make lemons out of lemonade and I will fight this because I am STILL ME. No matter how different I feel. So I pulled out the makeup and put on a what turned out to be ugly PURPLE wig. But I laughed and the smile was priceless. Don't give up enduring any trial no matter how hopeless it seems. No matter how dull your light seems. Keep going because I promise God is with you and he is there even if we aren't. And there is always light at the end of the tunnel. And you will be blessed for the trials you face in this lifetime certainly fly in the other side of the veil to heaven. Pray often. I promise. God let me sincerely smile tonight and enjoy my makeup. I ultimately felt alive for the first time this year and I am blessed. It may seems small but it is oh so the big picture-Chelle