Today I Cried.

Today I cried because, I don't want to anymore. This year has worn me down more then ever before. I feel  broken and beyond repair. The truth is sometimes being sick breaks you down. The holidays for whatever reason really brings this out in me. Which is really great because then I proceed to be mad at myself for being upset. And the circle continues. I finally caved in and called my mommy and had a good cry. I don't think Fergie was right that big girls don't cry. I think we cry more... Mommas are the best at helping us find prospective in life and the truth is I am grieving a major loss in my life. I may never be the same person I was. But my mom pointed out that phases of life happen and we are not always meant to stay the same person. Change is life. It means we are learning and growing for the after life and gaining the tools and knowledge we will need to do the work we have been called to do. (Which is funny because all week the song afterlife had been stuck in my head and I know god talks to me  in these ways.) So yes today I woke up with no clear understanding why God would make healthcare SO hard to obtain, why I spend hours a week fighting to get the healthcare I need let alone doing the actual healthcare. It truly is a full time job between, appointments, pills, tubes, and infusions... and that is if nothing goes wrong along the way. It tears me down to go to the pharmacy and get treated like a druggie because I am truly sick. It breaks me down to have to fight with bill collectors because they always want more. It breaks me down to always be in pain. It breaks me down to get the flu weekly to survive. It breaks me down to push my body into a burning fatigue to merely do the work to survive this life. It breaks me down to be afraid of being called crazy by medical professionals who do not understand my complexities. It breaks me down to be different all the time and appear the same. It breaks me down to see what scars, steroid weight, and fragile thin hair stares back at me in the mirror. It breaks me down to be broken down. As Julie Andrew's sings, "I'd sure hate to break down here, nothing up ahead or in the rear view mirror, out in the middle of no where knowing. I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rolling. So god help me keep me moving somehow. Don't let me start thinking I should miss him now. I made it this far without crying a single tear. I'd sure hate to break down here." Now I am not in a break up but I am so far ahead from the starting point but I can't see the end of this journey. And breaking down here, now is not an option. That's where faith comes in and we rely on God to carry us through the journey. When we are all about to break down. God wont let us because we are not meant to stop here. 

I don't know why this tragedy has unfolded in my life. I was a happy newlywed. Who had overcome being disabled. I was in a remission of several other nasty diseases. Then I got side swiped with an autoimmune disease that attacks my brain. That has caused nothing but heartache. But I know I have a strong momma to guide me through this trial. I can't see ahead but she can. And if she can then I will keep trying. I will keep praying in pure faith that My god has never failed me. And maybe it is just the adversary trying to pull me down. Maybe the adversary wants me to believe that I am nothing more then a broken brain, medical Bills, and a person who needs help. Yes, that is exactly what the adversary wants me to believe because that creates a wedge between what I know to be true. God is there and there is a reason for our trials in this life. Life is a constant changing and together in faith we can overcome these trials. Faith not fears. Cry your tears then dry your eyes for a better tomorrow. Dont give up the good fight. Even if there is no end in sight. And remember you are likely doing better then you think you are -Chelle &  Chelle's Momma.