Holy Cow Batman. Facing Fears. Doctors.

So we all know in the past I've had doctors harm me. Some with full intent, some on accident, and I'm pretty sure some somewhere inbetween. Today was a day I never thought would happen. I faced one of those doctors whom I pleaded with years ago for help, while dying of poor health and pure starvation. (This doctor knew I was bad off but told me I was "fine.") and I begged in big fearful alligator tears for help that day and never came back. Until fate had it today... all these years later. I ended up back to this doctor. And I got to look this doctor in the face and say, "You said I was fine and I knew I was not." "You knew too" and this doctor did in fact remember me and did in fact apologize. I feel very sincerely. And there where other doctors involved but the truth of the matter is, I almost died to the day of starvation, and my body did shut down. In the midst of all this I felt sincerity of an apology took place. I immediately felt that the doctor is also human and though knew there was major error that could have been avoided, is human just the same. So I faced this fear/doctor and I left with a whole new plan and for now a new doctor. Who seems to sincerely have wants to help me. It's make up time and time to fight. Now I do hope I get the true care I have always deserved. We will see what happens... I honestly have lost a lot of trust in the medical world lately wth all the horrid lies and info kept from me about my CFS leaks... But today, I most importantly chose to forgive this doctor after years. Being a chronic patient is hard and situations do arise often where out quality of life or life in general can be greatly threatened by one doctors actions. We are all human and being a doctor isn't easy. Though it doesn't take away the pain and suffering I did endure years ago, I did survive thanks to the amazing hands of another doctor who had faith in me. And am forever grateful for that pure divine intervention. It's still weird to think I could be dead sometimes. (But can't we all probably think that medical scare aside? Lol) I found out for the first time today my whole GI tract was paralyzed not just the stomach and small intestine. It's the whole enchilada. (For instance if you don't recall, this same doctor swore to me I did not have Gastroparesis after my gastric emptying study said I did. And I did not eat for 3 months. I had 3 IVs per week with glucose and unfortunetly I got very weak and my body started the shut down process of starvation from this very morbid disease. I begged. I pleaded for any form of help because I knew in my gut and I was prompted to get intervention to my starvation. There was faith and lots of prayers that I was so lucky to have answered that next day. It was very rough. Today off the same test by the same doctor my whole entire GI system is paralyzed.) This knowledge of full paralyzation honestly doesn't  really change much right now. I've lived with it all these years. I manage it all the best I can. I have a feeding tube and I intervined nutrition/hydration as needed. But at the end of the day a feeding tube has been step 1 of the best plan of my life. Nutrition is ever so important to our health. I know it! Feeding tubes have a bad wrap more or less. They are scary and they just seem so morbid and "bad". Honestly feeding tubes make me feel like a totally different person thanks to the strength and healing their nutrition and fuel provides. Feeding tubes are the start of life friends not the end. If you're facing the great fear of the feeding tube, I personally say I would do it again... And I have done it again after falling out of remission last year. Both times resulted in good feelings. (Of course I wouldn't prefer to be tube fed. I would eat fully by mouth if I healthily could but I can't so I embrace my weird!)  Today I also found some new news out, in August my body tested positive for new auto antigens. I don't yet know the name of that exact one. At the end of the day it shows my body is attacking my GI tract. They are reconsidering restarting the IVIG in hopes to help my immune system calm down. I did get my records and I'm excited to geek out and put this puzzle together! Once again. (Patients you are your best advocates! No one replaces you) Something is not right in this body and I've known it all along. I also had a tilt table test again since diagnosis and what I do know from it, is my POTS is SO much worse currently (then it's ever been.) Time to get all of this spinal leaking and tissues falling apart fixed. Time to get this body back to midline and remission. All if fails I have hope because, I have been in remission before by the grace of God. I know I will find it again. I have faith that God will heal me again. And I've always been grateful for the healthy days I did experience for that good year! Forgiveness is important for none of us are perfect. This journey is hard but I choose to be tougher. A quote came up today and I know it was a tender mercy. It was a Facebook memory from when I was healthy and I looked so heathy! (To me it's like looking at a different person though it's still me.) The quote by Stephanie neilson. It read plain and simple, "& I am not my body. I am so much more." How true this truly is! We are inevitabley so much more then our physical selfs we are sons and daughters of God with eternal souls that have eternal plans. Some times we have to fight in life. We have to fight for ourselves. But sometimes opportunities will come and forgiveness is the most healing thing this life offers. It's the season for Christ like love and that's my anchor in this whole battle. Through him we truly can do all things. (Even if you never dreamed you would). -Chelle