Faith of a mustard seed. Tender mercy today.

Update after yesterday's pity party... A lot of prayer, a little faith in a hard time, and a prompting to watch this video (https://youtu.be/2nPY22FoDpY ) that popped up is AMAZING! Pray he is there. He does hear you. And he will answer you in due time. Have faith of a mustard seed  -Chelle

Today I Cried.

Today I cried because, I don't want to anymore. This year has worn me down more then ever before. I feel  broken and beyond repair. The truth is sometimes being sick breaks you down. The holidays for whatever reason really brings this out in me. Which is really great because then I proceed to be mad at myself for being upset. And the circle continues. I finally caved in and called my mommy and had a good cry. I don't think Fergie was right that big girls don't cry. I think we cry more... Mommas are the best at helping us find prospective in life and the truth is I am grieving a major loss in my life. I may never be the same person I was. But my mom pointed out that phases of life happen and we are not always meant to stay the same person. Change is life. It means we are learning and growing for the after life and gaining the tools and knowledge we will need to do the work we have been called to do. (Which is funny because all week the song afterlife had been stuck in my head and I know god talks to me  in these ways.) So yes today I woke up with no clear understanding why God would make healthcare SO hard to obtain, why I spend hours a week fighting to get the healthcare I need let alone doing the actual healthcare. It truly is a full time job between, appointments, pills, tubes, and infusions... and that is if nothing goes wrong along the way. It tears me down to go to the pharmacy and get treated like a druggie because I am truly sick. It breaks me down to have to fight with bill collectors because they always want more. It breaks me down to always be in pain. It breaks me down to get the flu weekly to survive. It breaks me down to push my body into a burning fatigue to merely do the work to survive this life. It breaks me down to be afraid of being called crazy by medical professionals who do not understand my complexities. It breaks me down to be different all the time and appear the same. It breaks me down to see what scars, steroid weight, and fragile thin hair stares back at me in the mirror. It breaks me down to be broken down. As Julie Andrew's sings, "I'd sure hate to break down here, nothing up ahead or in the rear view mirror, out in the middle of no where knowing. I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rolling. So god help me keep me moving somehow. Don't let me start thinking I should miss him now. I made it this far without crying a single tear. I'd sure hate to break down here." Now I am not in a break up but I am so far ahead from the starting point but I can't see the end of this journey. And breaking down here, now is not an option. That's where faith comes in and we rely on God to carry us through the journey. When we are all about to break down. God wont let us because we are not meant to stop here. 

I don't know why this tragedy has unfolded in my life. I was a happy newlywed. Who had overcome being disabled. I was in a remission of several other nasty diseases. Then I got side swiped with an autoimmune disease that attacks my brain. That has caused nothing but heartache. But I know I have a strong momma to guide me through this trial. I can't see ahead but she can. And if she can then I will keep trying. I will keep praying in pure faith that My god has never failed me. And maybe it is just the adversary trying to pull me down. Maybe the adversary wants me to believe that I am nothing more then a broken brain, medical Bills, and a person who needs help. Yes, that is exactly what the adversary wants me to believe because that creates a wedge between what I know to be true. God is there and there is a reason for our trials in this life. Life is a constant changing and together in faith we can overcome these trials. Faith not fears. Cry your tears then dry your eyes for a better tomorrow. Dont give up the good fight. Even if there is no end in sight. And remember you are likely doing better then you think you are -Chelle &  Chelle's Momma. 

Christmas to do list thoughts.

I have gone so far out of my way to enjoy this Christmas season. Doing  little things like planning  far ahead, getting my 'to do's' done early, putting my tree up before Thanksgiving so I could enjoy the holidays. And if you're chronically ill, I highly suggest it. It helped me be able to relax and enjoy the true meaning  of christmas.

Today started out really great. The weather was beautiful and sunny. I felt decent and bright.

One big way I know christmas prepping has been working for me is, today... I shopped for a few hours  and made cheese ball all night. Two extremely hard things to do for me. STANDING. Ugh my worst enemy with POTS. After a month of no insomnia. I am having insomnia, I've been having  severe signs tonight that my body has been pushed past it's point. And the hard part is, I truly did not do very much. It makes my heart hurt in so many levels to feel so fragile all the time. To not be able to do what I want or even what I need. You NEVER think it will happen to you, untill it does. (And then it is too late.)  So I am bumping some of my plans and adding in more rest time. Feeling down about this I prayed. I out my heart out and I got a return message, "it is going to take another year." I am turning back into myself again slowly but surely. But I have to be oh so careful. It's not just my health anymore it's life or death. If I flare up I can die now. And that's a burden of it's own to carry.

 But when I put all those worries and thoughts in my head aside, and listen to heavenly father I know that's my road map. It is okay to go slow. It is okay to put your tree up and wrap your presents a month early. So you can watch christmas movies and feel the spirit of Christ in your home and life during december. It is okay to go easier then normal this year. (Or than you want.)

I truly really had christmas hyped up in my head this year because it was the very last time I felt like me before I " woke up a completely different person" I have been trying to navigate a whole new world this year and I've desperately been searching for myself within the rubble. But I know heavenly father is molding me as much as I don't honestly want to be right now. It is painful physically and mentally. And I've been mad, sad, and weepy for a year. A part of me knows it is time to move forward and start excepting the new me. As much as I do not want to. So i told myself Christmas was my goal to get back to my normal and when that did not quite happen i decided to have a great Christmas to celebrate the year I've endured. I really wanted to feel the spirit of Christmas. And I have.

 Some times we have to have heartaches in life. We know I am no stranger to this. I've been fighting trials unfathomable for many years. This one just took the cake is all. But Jesus has atoned for our sins and felt all of our pain. He has compassion for all of our sufferings here on earth. How special is that?  Christmas is not about the hustle and bustle and pushing ourselves into our sick beds. I realized this tonight. I am sad that going grocery shopping and making cheese spread over did my poor body but I am happy for prospective on my life. A glimpse, a pure tender mercy that it is going to be okay again. That in a year I very well may have my normal back. And now it is time to start moving forward with a new normal. God will redirect us in life. He will change plans. But I can attest that every time he has changed my plans something better has been in store. Heavenly father isn't hurting me, he is blessing me. Because I am way too stubborn to do it on my own. I am very excited to see what 2020 has in store. I feel there will be blessings in store.

 Speaking of what 2019 had in store and blessings. We  could have never prepared for the storm of autoimmune encephalitis that almost took my life, and shut down my whole body last year. What a trauma to me and my whole family. The other night me and husband where talking over the crazy beyond crazy year, and he said. "With everything we have been the lucky ones." At first I wanted to smack him until I realized what he was telling me. Things were bad. But they could have been so much worse. I received so many blessings this year. I could very well be dead. I could also be a vegetable. What a huge blessing. What more could I ask for this year? The biggest blessings I had in front of my eyes, and I could not even see them. Huge blessings in my life. Thankful for husband to point these things out to me in my down times.
We do not need to stress and worry. We need to just enjoy our lives and our precious families.
The lord will give us opportunity this coming new year in all aspects of our lives and the savior will direct us and comfort us along the way. Much love and a merry christmas -Chelle

Christmas nostalgia.

This week has been a different week. I've been sickly a bit more but still okay. I've been busier as I started my new job yesterday. Nothing major Just answering phones at home. Something I've been praying doe and searching for for years. A form of work, from home. God listens to our prayers and provides for us in times of need.

It has been a week of majorly pushing myself out of my comfort zone and trying to enjoy Every bit of the  Christmas season.

                    

 We went and put small lighted Christmas trees on Grandad & Grandma's graveside. I found a pearl christmas tree ornament and of course she needed it right!?

I enjoy decorating their spot. Some may find it weird but I like feeling like their gravesite is taken care of. They are not there but it's for them. Other family decorates as well on the regular but I try to make it a priority to do something every season. It started with Grandad and now it's for the two of them. Grandad was my angel for years and comforted me through some dark times and grandma has been with me this year a few times. The veil to heaven is thin and we can feel our loved ones when needed. They visit us if we pay close attention. It has been such an anchor and a blessing in my life. Families are forever.

And of course it wouldn't be Christmas without making my granny Hatch's famous Caramels. They are the best and hold nostalgia in my heart of her Christmas parties growing up. When I think of Chritsmas I think of excitingly going to my grandma Sherron's house on christmas eve. She spoiled us so rotten it was just as exciting as Chrristmas morning. And for many years granny Hatch would join us for the excitement. Then we would take her home and keep an eye out for Santa and look at Christmas lights.  Then the next evening we would go to the Hatch family party and watch the adults fight over these very caramels. In this family these are not just candy they are so much more.  It was great fun.

As I reflect on Christmas granny Hatch and Grandma Sherron play nightly big roles. I don't think I have memories where granny isn't cooking or baking something. For a time i would go with grandma Sherron (granny Hatch's daughter) to Granny's house and she would make break and cinnamon rolls for the whole family and the whole town. Every single week. (If I recall right). I would sit on the counter and eat candy while they baked and baked and baked. I'll never forget the smell of her house those days. You dont smell bread like that anymore. No one can make as good of bread as my great granny Hatch. When we got bored enough with that we would go play on a metal train she had out in her front yard. Such simple fun that I will remeber for a lifetime. 

Life has been good to us and even with trials Christmas is an easy time to reflect on these precious memories that make up our lives. In times of hardships these memories may bring sadness of what was but the key overcome the sadness is to remeber what good times we were given. What tender mercies have been brought into our lives and what is to come will be good within our lives. No more holiday perfection just enjoyment. That's how memories are made. By the simple laughter, love, and joy upon one another. Simple Christ like love. Jesus Christ the savior is the season. -Chelle 

The hair struggle is real today.

The hair struggles have been real today. But on the bright side I have a new crown because well I am a princess...

Half my hair is baby hairs that officially stick straight up. We worked hard to tame it and are off to push through another day of sick. Post ivig and a lichen flare. But I am ready to get out of these four walls. I feel ugly lately as I finally caved in last week and bought a pair of fat pants. I have lost my long hair this year and as you can see it's wild now. (But fortunate it is coming back.) I can say this year, one of my biggest trials has been feeling like Chelle. I went to sleep and woke up in a different body in every way. I did not really go to sleep... I simply do not remeber. Maybe that seems so small to you when I barely missed  my own death this year. I can say it is a true trial all f it's own to not feel like yourself. You learn to rely on the savior during this time. I keep thinking about Jesus and how he felt every pain imaginable... and I always think, "how on earth did he do all that. When my pain is so strong?" But something I know is he was not alone. He had Angels round about him and His heavenly father the whole way. And thanks to our savior Jesus Christ we have the atonement. And I never have to walk alone. Even when it feels endless, relentless and too much to bear.

So today despite my flaws and illnesses... because of him, pressing forwards with faith that I am more than my physical self. One day my clothes will fit again and my hair will grow back. Or not. But one day I will feel like me again. One day at a time -Chelle

Good day for good news.

Today I received unexpected comforts from my neurologist. I was up all night full of appointment anxieties. I prayed until I finally fell asleep. Turns out my prayers where heard. I have slow but steady progress and that's exactly where I should be. The weight gain is from the steroids and though I gained it all in a quick two weeks thanks to the necessary evils, (said steroids)... it will come off on it's own with time. The frustrating part for me is, I can not work it or diet it off... I just have to wait.

 But the BEST news is my autoimmune encephalitis didn't just fall out of the ever so scary sky. It does not happen likely in POTS patients but we are prone to autoimmune encephalitis and spinal fluid leaks. We tend to have these complications. They dont know why or what the connection is. It just is. So for me this is a horrible disease that I still have to endure, but all my horrible diseases go together. However it is such a releif they aren't a bunch of random rare diseases. (Though some of them are very rare to have.) Hopefullly that makes sense. But I am so relieved. Words really can not Express it. I am counting my blessings today. It has been such a trailing year for me in ways I likely will never talk about on this blog because I would prefer to seek the light of this nightmare year. (Plus my memory is a big ur this year with gaps inbetween.) But I want people to know there have been very dark times amongst the bright times this year. But one thing I have a strong faith in is that heavenly father let's dark unphathomable times come so we can learn and grow and enjoy fully the brightness that enters our life.

On another note I can't get my community out of my head the past few days... I see so many families recently face such trials. Something big in heaven must be happening for Heavenly Father to bring so many sweet amazing people home. I pray for the families to have comfort and peace during this time. Lots of love -Chelle