In Loving Memory, My Grandma you'll always be!

These past few weeks have been hard and so divinely blessed all at once. A few weeks ago my Grandma, went into hospice care. She has had an ongoing battle with Dementia and Parkinson's. She also had heart failure and cancer. She wasn't really talking, she didn't want to get out of bed. So we took a last minute, much needed "girls trip", and made priceless, precious memories with Grandma Pearl.

This visit with Grandma was so full of blessings and fun...

This Lady is SO miraculous She perked right up for us when we came in to see her via suprise. She refused to lay down and stayed in her chair the many visits we shared that weekend. Though she was in much pain from a feeble, failing body. I don't know how she did it, so bravely. She was surprised to see all of us girls and her (as he was telling her repeatedly throughout the visit (playfully) "awesome" grandson.) I know for a fact she didn't expect to see me. I had not been to Utah in eleven years! (Insert photo pink dance sweater at grandmas fresh yr.) My chronically sick body as you know does not travel well. It just wasn't in the cards, but this time it was. I prayed on it and rapidly had the feeling I would be okay, and I was. I needed to say my goodbyes to my Grandma and I will never regret it. She was excited and greeted me with the compliment that "her Dolly was beautiful" And at the time what she definetly didn't know, is I was struggling with many personal confidence  issues. Issues that stem from being disabled and a reversed year in my ongoing fight. (I've had a bad year of health.) And other people have told me this but for some reason this was special, and felt different. This time I actually believed it. My heart was full to see my Grandma and I was happy to she she perked up, despite what the hospice nurse was telling us.                                               I LOVED this trip. It will always hold such a special place in my heart. Many tender mercies, blessings, and pure love of the heavenly spirit happened throughout our trip. I will share a few....

Grandma also shared to all around on the day we got there that, "She was going to get married to (her deceased husband) Granddad.

But it was too windy so she called it off."  She also told us, "she had an important meeting that evening."  We had a mini impromptu reunion of sorts with all the family that we gathered up. (Last minute) And that sweet lady was simply beaming. The next day my Cousin asked Grandma if she went to her meeting. She looked at him like, hush lol... And told him, "No, my kids are here and I'm spending time with them I canceled it." I/we feel strongly Grandma was going home that previous  night back to Heaven. The meeting I think was set for her to go home again. But she had visitors to see first. And that's my Grandma. What was important to her was her family and her loving Heavenly Father. She was a true disciples of Christ, and a beautiful example to all she crossed paths with. I am so grateful this beautiful soul is MY grandma. She was truly beautiful inside and out. She lived a life of total service for others, most importantly her family, with a happy smile on her face, and a heart full of love for us. Her love truly knew no bounds. She was in fact an angel on earth.  

Chelsey was able to cut her hair for her on day two, for the last time. She told us it had no curl to it and her hair style she had always was no longer existent. This opportunity was a tender mercy. Chelsey didn't have any sort of hair tools, but my Aunt ended up having what was needed. My uncle and cousins "wheelied" her wheelchair. She got a her cut and style back. (And of course her beautiful curls.) She was happy but it was hard on her, for a moment she got nervous, I'm sure she was in pain a bit and a tear fell. I could see she was being brave. So I grabbed her hand and held it. She felt better and calmed again. She finished, She exclaimed excitingly, "It's me!" When she saw it. (Grandma was stylish. She worked hard, had nine kids, but always had her lippie stick and curls. And a massive love for the color red. She loved having red lippie stick and often wore red nail varnish. She might be where I get the makeup obsession, I mean love from. Wink, Wink.)                                     When the last day came, and it was time for our final goodbyes....

I was afraid for myself and full of nerves. Her retirement-home holds sacrament (Church meetings). While waiting to say my goodbyes, I was sad and nervous. I walked down the hall to get some clarity, and take a deep breath. Then the piano started playing beautifully  the hymnal, "sweet hour of prayer". I felt the Lord's grace and comfort for me. I said a prayer and returned to the room. She hugged me and, we had a small chat about Heavenly Father and his angels. She told me "don't worry" paused, "I'll meet you at your wedding." And looked me straight in the eye. I knew that she knew, I knew, what she meant... It was a sweet moment. I will always hold this near to my heart. I was not worried about her not making my wedding, as I didn't think with her medical situation she would be attending from out of state. (Though of course I wanted her there.) I later realized the message was to "not worry" because I worry too much... And the wedding part was its own seperate message... And I as told her, "I will be waiting at my wedding." We hugged again and left knowing in my heart I would see her again one sweet day and knowing in spirit she would attend my wedding day. 💕 We said a family prayer and returned home.                            About a week or so prior she had my Mom put me on the phone. She was excited about my recent marriage engagement and asked me simply, "do you love him?" And I chuckled and said "well of course I love him. I'm marrying him Grandma!" She said "Oh good! Well, don't care what anyone has to say, don't listen to anyone, none of your friends or any of that or things. All that matters is that you love him and he loves you. The rest will all work out and other opinions don't matter. Just do what's in your heart and do what's right and things will always be fine." Grandma ALWAYS had advice for anyone in any situation. And it was always good advice.                            She was in hospice for one week solid. Then she passed and was reunited with her Husband and Our Heavenly Father, and had a reunion of loved ones to reunite with in Heaven as well. Many more blessings occurred for our family these past few weeks. Our family is special and though we miss her dearly, we find happiness, and peace through the atonement and the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We have no reason to fear death for we all have eternal plans. We are each on our divine eternal destinies, one day at a time, in the role we were meant to play, learning, and growing along the way. Knowing we can make it back through Heaven's gate again one day. The place where we will be whole again and glorified. A beautiful blessing for all that will be.    

                     Grandma always encouraged us to live righteously and do the best we could with what we were given. Therefore my own Mother has instilled these good values in me. I've hit some hard knocks in my journey of life. Grandma was my greatest cheerleader. She always was cheering me on, no matter what was wrong with my broken down body. She was of an older generation, that didn't understand so much of the medical mumbo jumbo but always was never judgemental, and only wanted me to be healthy. She offered kind, loving words, and wrapped her love of the Savior upon me. She shared her knoweldge, faith, & testimonies. Life for me will never be the same on Earth without her love cheering me on.                                             Cherry coke cheers for Grandma. We smile that our journey together happened and that as the popular song goes, "families can be together forever through Heav'nly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can, the lord has shown me how I can." 💕

Today, I rejoice in her love and examples because, it's still there and so is she. D&C 84:88 Tells us,"I will be in your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angles round about you to bear you up." This is my favorite scripture I can attest is truth. Granddad (Grandma's late husband), has always been my special Angel in Heaven. He whom has pulled me through some very scary nights. Nights when I myself didn't know if I would make it another day. He taught me the veil to Heaven is so very thin, & Heaven can be on Earth if we soften out hearts, look, & listen to the spirit. Now they are up there together in paradise. Both my special angels rounding about me, together, bearing me up. And I know this because the day she started into hospice, before I knew anything was wrong. I didn't have one fleck of glitter. (This is the sign Grandad leaves me to let me know he is still with me.) On this day, I found two side by side. The next time glitter occurred in my sight, I was in Utah after just visiting Grandma for the first time that trip... While my Uncle was briefing us on Grandma's current state, I was feeling lowly in heart a bit. I looked down and there caught my eye, just one piece of glitter in the middle of the table in the center piece. I looked around to find where the glitter fleck could have came from. There was nothing else around. Granddad was there with us.              This last Monday, a few weeks later, on the way to Grandma's Graveside a beautiful tender mercy occurred. As I spoke to my mom about my nerves. I was not wanting to say goodbye. I just was having a bit of a hard time with that reality, but I knew I had to do it. I looked down at my leg and perfectly side by side, two flecks of glitter sat on my leg. Where they came from I don't know. But glitter finds me. When Heaven is near. Angel kisses. It was indeed sweet and my heart immediately felt better.

I said my goodbyes to dear grandma. With pride and respect we laid her to rest, peacefully. I told her you're home now (in Heaven) and your body's back with the Earth.      

                                                        During these past few weeks, I've had some things happen with this blog. This blog that I had thrown in the towel on because, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't find words to say. After years of writing, and me of all people couldn't find her words. I think some of these things happening my Grandma has to do with... But it is clear to me more than ever that I have work to do here on earth. Grandma, I want you to know, you have inspired me to be a better modern day pioneer. To be a true disciple. To walk in faith, love, encourage others, and never give up hope. Because of you sweet Angel, I am starting a new beginning, dusting myself off, and trying again.                            This blog is now in loving memory of you, you brought me back home to the inter-webs, my heart, & my faith. I hope I make you proud because you have made me proud. I love you a bushel and a peck. Sincerely thanks for EVERYTHING! You've helped heal my heart in ways you'll never know. I know families are forever, God be with you until we meet again. 💕 You really don't know how much I needed this, and just how blessed I feel, because of your sweet and good soul. I'll see at my wedding! Thanks for the journey! Love you always and forever, Granddaughter of a Pearl. Xo -Chelle 

Major Changes this Year.

I don't blog as much anymore, though I always intend to. My days are now filled with studying and learning.

 (Recently many math problems and sloppy handwriting that I can no longer control due to medical.) I am super glad I did the Pathways Program though BYUI. It has and will open more doors for me. Though, the year did not go as planned; as my days filled back up with pills, schedules, doctors, and therapies. A bit of pain and suffering. As I had to go back to Tube feeds, and endure countless surgeries... I still continued in school. When it actually made sense and I had all the options to quit... I knew quitting was not an option for me. Heavenly Father brought me to it, he would bring me though it. He expected me to have faith in his plan for me, despite the storms. It has been an abundant challenge. But aren't the really good things in life always hard work? I don't know how I survived this year, but then again, I know. I know exactly how I survived this year. God and through My Savior Jesus Christ. A hard year has been full of many unexpected blessings. My year has been very full of love despite the physical pain. This year was a whirlwind of unexpected challenges and unexpected blessings. Like finding the love of my life & getting engaged!

It's in these moments of my life that I realize just how intrecote his plan for us is, and how much love he had for us all, his children. If we follow and continue down our chosen paths, he will be walking right besides us the whole way, until we make it to the top. He wants us with him. He loves us each and every one. No matter what, no matter where, no matter how flawed. He perfects us, out of pure love that only Heaven can offer the children of the promise. So whatever you are going through, or no matter how dreary things seem, remember you are never alone, you are a child of God and he has sent you here to prepare you for a future greater than you could ever imagine. Count your blessings and never give up on him or yourself because, he is waiting with opened arms for you. Always. He will bring good things while enduring bad. He is the light in all darkness. I'm SO thankful for the knowledge of my savior and my Heavenly Father. People may look at my life in fear or down-hearted, but I assure you it's fulfilling. It's God's plan for me and I need nothing more. Never give up hope. As I type this post, 'In humility, Our Savior' plays through my head and it's exactly on point. -Chelle 

Update. Titled, "My Life is Sincerely Crazy"

After a loonnnngggg weekend wait and a day, Neuro called. It didn't go that well but none the less. No seizure but* my body is reacting and doing the exact same thing as a seizure. But no clue why.  I think they will be going back to the drawing board again. However last night when my migraine hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a lot of fluid go down my throat and out my nose. Over three Kleenexs of salt water. After I let that stuff, whatever it is drain out. I felt so much better the pressure went away and I could feel it coming off my brain with letting it drain out my nose. No, it's not allergies or typical "drainage", I know what that is. (This occurs after I'm very symptomatic. It occurred after my last "involuntary muscle" issue. So long story short. I may indeed have a nasal spinal fluid leak. So we will be testing for that issue.  If that is the case it will need repaired. But there are so many serious symptoms not answered currently.) The spinal fluid leak even if it is occurring doesn't answer them as well.) I am not very happy right now about this. Fevers, and scary symptoms are not my cup of tea. I know something is very wrong and I will get it figured out this time. They told me not to loose my spunk. Well this is me not loosing my spunk and fighting. It gets me far. The doctors have admitted it many times when I was well. Well not I am sick again and they aren't so happy about it anymore. What makes me well? Fighting. Never quit your fight and NEVER ignore your gut instinct! I promise it will always lead you where you need to be. God has been talking me through this fight. I don't have the answers but I'll get them, and I know it will be alright as much as it seems like it won't right now, it's all good. This is just one of the many many blessed tender mercies this weekend. Coincidence? I think not!

Faith, trust, & most importantly hope. -Chelle 

The No Seizure, Seizure.

Last week I woke up in the middle of the night in what appeared to be a seizure... I remember three tiny bits of it... Neuro was concerned and put me on IV steroids immediately. Also accompanied by a POTS flare, cyclic migraine, and a fever. The round of IV steroids did help a lot but the side effects were severe. Since the dose ended I also have the fevers and symptoms returning. My Heart rate is super high lately to the extent I dropped 3lbs in 3 days. (Feels like I'm constantly doing cardio workout. Oh wait I am!) I tease the POTS workout Regimen works wonders 😉 Today was awful but I wore my "Not today Satan" Tee so.... I'm not sure if I asked for it. (Wink.) I went to Neuro.  For my EEG since they thought I had a seizure last week. Welp, they duplicated the episode by using a strobe light. (I was fine until they strobed me. It lasted a solid 30 minutes. (Of convulsing and the whole works.) I loose memory after these and I can't talk properly, among many other things. The tech said nothing showed on the EEG as far as she could tell but, she did have to grab the P.A. Something is clearly very wrong, but yet again I've stumped the medical professionals. Seems to be something muscular? I don't know if it's related to my Dysautonomia? I got sent home (no doctor there to read anything.) and I sincerely hope this NEVER happens again. Two in a weeks time, is two too much of whatever this is. Monday I will know more. I hope. Now I guess to worry all weekend about what could possibly be wrong. I'm trying to put it in the Lord's hands. At least they were able to see what occurs. Now they can take my complaints more seriously, and figure it out. Keep on keeping on -Chelle 

Feel alive to feel the gospel

Sometimes we have to feel alive in order to feel the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives. To live, to feel, to love, to appreciate the simple life. Feeling the sun heating your skin, and the wind in your hair. Wearing a smile upon your face with bright happy eyes. Happiness beaming from your soul. When we find true happiness through the savior and his atonement, we can truly let our burdens be put as ease and feel complete as God intended us to be. We can set our worries aside and breathe in a nice deep breath of fresh air filling our lungs, pumping is full of live. We can be freed from sin and adversity.  I feel so connected to the world yet, I've never felt stronger to the other side of the veil. Wrapped in God's love for me, feeling the Angels around me, feeling true love, compassion, His spirit in my heart. That's home. That's true peace and rest. That's how I know and have a deepened testimony that Heaven is oh so real. God is there in the details of our days on earth. It's happiness. It's home. It's oh so familiar. It's sweet releif that one day wholeness will be mine, and that I have a plan, a purpose eternal. -Chelle 

Post surgery week 4. Seizures?

Today makes four weeks into my recovery from gj tube replacement/endoscopy and Endometriosis surgeries. I am well overall as far as surgery is concerned. My pelvis of course needs Physical Therqpy yet again. However it's a specialty therapy that's only in the valley. (A.K.A. Three or more hours to and another three hours home, every week.) However with my current Neurological issues I am not able to travel that often. Especially in the summer heat. I came to recollect after feeling funny when I woke up the other day, a memory of the night prior. It was about 3 bits and pieces of what is highly suspected to have been a seizure. All I remove we is my whole body tremmoring viciously, while totally locked up arms out straight and crossed. I remember being confused and afraid but, I also had the "stroke" face with eyes rolling back, and tongue going back as well. And it lasted longer then the others that normally last 60 seconds top. This one was a very long while from the bits I recollect. I also didn't have the ability to talk and I remember trying to talk (to ask for help.) with no success. (Normally Mr. Wrecker alerts and wakes up and goes and gets  my parents. But he was actually asleep. So we will do an EEG. I have not stopped feeling short circuited, tremmoring, having stroke face, numbness in tongue, uncontrollable tongue movements, and going into glazed over periods since that night. Though I had a good day yesterday. (I needed the break.) It is a little scary but the other day God told me "I would be okay." So I will pray and rest in the knowledge that no matter what happens because of Christ I will be okay. My Dysautonomia has been flared hence the seizure. It's not often or necessarily common but we can have seizures. I also have a migraine cluster cycle again the past two weeks. I have had fevers off and on for weeks as well. I have had body aches and joint pain. I have had more neuropathy trigger point pain. I'm living with tremmors full body. The IVIG has offered benefits but we are pausing it to see what symptoms of any it's causing me. The cromolyn sodium has really helped my mast cell issues. The rashes are gone now. Today, due to the flare up. I am going to have HomeHealth nursing come and do IV infusion of a huge dose of steroid (yikes steroids are so harsh to my body!) and labwork, since I haven't been able to drive to get my labs. It's a four day, daily IV infusions. He says that I have autoimmune POTS. Since when I fever with my onset flare up, clearly the immune system is active. My body is attacking itself. Despite the IVIG and Immuno suppressant therapy. In August what happened, was I started having clear Sjögren's syndrome issues progressively. (I am currently suffering from Sjögren's syndrome.) but isn't it interesting the Sjögren's started all of this past on the essentially? I agree with my Nuerokogist, I have autoimmune POTS. I also see the correlation between Sjögren's and POTS as we know there is a chunk of info. out there stating that POTS can be caused from Sjögren's attacking the ANS, or at the least we know it is a cluster condition with POTS. If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. I am trying hard to stay in the pathways program despite being so sick. I have done very well but, I struggle obviously with attending the gatherings. I'm on my last semester. Disability doesn't need to define us and I will keep trying, and fighting everyday. I had a case of the nerves lay night about today's infusions and I also realized that my port will be accessed all week. I dread having it accessed for several days. I can say with the physical decline, I miss my old body.

But my new body teaches me a lot about the path of true resistance, and anchors me in this life. Everything happens forms reason. For now I endure the bad days and really find joy in simplicity. I had a good day during the day time yesterday. (As photographed above.) Though in the evening, like clockwork, the severity of my illness occurred. I was able to get out of bed and get ready for the day. I haven't out makeup on hardly at all lately. People think if I look okay I'm fine but truly makeup is a coping mechanism for me, not a way to measure my health. You can't see my kind of sick by looking at me. I was outside for a minute enjoying the beautiful sun when the spirit nudged me... "The sun will always shine again." And I promise you it will. -Chelle

Bruised not broken update

Snapchat filters really do help the recovery process. Hahaha! (I don't remember taking these but I looked like I was having fun right?) 

I may be bruised but I'm not broken.  

I thought I'd share embarrassing surgery stories/updates. 

  This picture below is hideous! But I have been SO sick. SO pale. (More then my redhead pale.) SO much pain. SO much weakness. This has been a tough recovery! I haven't even felt like posting until today. I've been in bed. If I can't even post, you know it's a toughie.  

I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up on my blog posts at all. Like I said last time... My life is crazy for Multipule reasons. Some which I can not share right now but one day. Then to get as dysfunctionally ill on top of it. It threw me off. Morphine normally helps these blogposts as you have all witnessed the two hour post surgery blogposts. (That's a joke but a true story. So ya know! I get on this lovely iPhone that I am so blessed to have after surgeries or in the hospital and, I dispurge every detail of my life that day. Then several days later I find these posts and I cringe a little... But then I laugh.) So two surgeries in two days. BAD idea! I in no way encourage this choice. I checked in for surgery #1 for replacement of feeding tube and endoscopy. (The little surgery.) I no joke... They gave my feeding tube to another patient that week. They went "oh that little redhead is coming in, let's give her tube to this other person... We will get her another one. She will never know." BUT they did not get it in time and they had to tell me the truth... You guys I waited many hours in pre op for them to get this feeding tube. Then they spilt my urine sample. Which I told them no use crying over spilt urine. There is always more. Right? (The down side was the lab took anothe hour to run the test before I could go to the OR.) I would like to say that's the end. But I woke up from recovery and no joke this elderly lady who volunteers was waiting outside the bathroom door with a wheelchair. (Disclaimer* I have nothing against the elderly. They are lovely people whom I am grateful for. They paved the path before us. We would be nothing without them.) I walked out of the bathroom and she snatched me! She grabbed my very sore side and almost pulled the feeding tube. I grabbed her hand and removed it and told her not to do that ever, and explained you don't grab patients... especially ones who just had surgery. (She looked at me like I assaulted her.) Then little did I know I was in the wheelchair ride of my life. Holy guacamole you guys! Then she told me to get out of the wheelchair sideways to get into the vehicle. I tried to explain to her my feet don't touch the ground if I attempted that and I would be diving off and fling myself off and probably fall on my face. She argued with me but I just did it the proper way. I protected myself. Luckily even with sedation on board I have safety.  I'm glad nothing happened because she couldn't help me at all. All I could think getting into the car was, "if I fall you're going down with me." Luckily no one was hurt and I made it to the hotel safely. But this is where the day changes... We get to the hotel. We pull up my mom drags this mess out of the vehicle walks me in and checks in. There where two younger men there at the desk they check us in. But they were polite. Isn't it amazing how simple common curtosey can be such a game changer!? The boy took notice of my beautiful hospital bands and they offered to help us to our rooms. We declined but it was just so refreshing to have some human kindness. (I always say be kind. Be brave enough to open a door, or give a compliment. In today's world it's hard. I don't know why but it's uncomfortable. But do it! You can change a person's day and it's contagious.) When got to the building and up to our room, we walked in, and it was dirty. Oddly dirty like someone came and showered then made a big mess with towels all over the room. Anyways, my frazzled Momma who as well had a rough long day. Looks at me and goes, "I have to walk back with all our luggage to the desk?" I thought she was going to cry maybe... So I luckily had a good idea! And I said, "Mom grab the phone and call the front desk from the room." So she calls. The manager came to us and, looked in the room. (Like we did... It was an interesting mess.) He apologized and helped us to the other floor, to our new room. We weren't mad at all. Things happen. But this guy was so kind he said, "I'm waiving your room for tonight." And we told him, "no he didn't need to do that." but he said, "I can see you've had a long day and this is not exceptable here and I insist." I can't explain how much that act of kindness meant to two worn out ladies. He told us he noticed the hospital bands and said well you're out of there so that's a good thing. We giggled and explained we were there because I had to be at the hospital at 5am the next morning for another surgery. (I am impressive folks.)  We thanked him and got settled in. My mom was SO tired and hadn't eaten all day. She was going to have to walk through several buildings and a block away to the vehicle to get food... But because they waived our night I told her she could afford to do room service... That way she could rest. She did and it was a blessing she could rest and eat dinner, (her only meal that whole day.) especially with a full surgery day ahead of us the next morning. I know the hotel could have just changed rooms for us. They didn't have to be kind and they definetly didn't have to waive the night's fee. But it was a tender mercy on this particular day and we are both grateful! Friday morning I checked in and had my surgery. I was pretty pale that morning and my surgeon said after the fact that she wouldn't have done surgery again if she could go back. Surgery itself went great. Micro Endo and an ovarian cyst removed. Lots of physical therapy ahead. (That stinks major!) but they cleaned things up and she said I don't need to go under for a long time. All wonderful things to hear. The post op nurse wouldn't listen to me. I told her that I was staying overnight and she was not following my surgical plan at all. Nothing she said made sense. I kept telling her this. But she told me my surgery wasn't that bad so I was going home and that I didn't have Endo just a cyst. (I have diagnosed Endo and Adenomyosis. This was surgery#4. It's bad now.) She took my cath out as well. I told her not to. I asked her to check first because none of this made sense to my surgical plan. She didn't. She took my cath out. I couldn't pee for hours. I was miserable for hours. She finally put it back in and guess what they were keeping me. With Dysautonomia the body takes longer to wake up from anesthesia. Your organs go to sleep as well in surgery and they wake up too, but in Dysautonomia we get urine retention a lot from the drugs. We need a day or so for our organs to wake up again. So they cath me for 24hrs. Which I prefer then the alternative... But she just wouldn't listen. Then I got to my room and all was well as could be. Next morning at 4am they took my cath out. I questioned it because it hadn't been a full 24hr period. I spent the day not fully voiding my bladder which is bad for your kidneys they get backed up. So that night they decided to re cath. The nurses couldn't get in due to too much cathing causing inflammation. So they tried putting two in at a time?. (If I would have known. No way. No how... But I didn't. It didn't even make sense.) A long time later they failed and called the doc in. She was mad at those nurses. (No one knows what they both were trying to accomplish. All they did was injure me.) we waited hours due to the cuts and inflamation the nurses caused. Later the doc came and put one in. They left it in for a few days. The doctor said I would have been able to urinate fully on my own but all the putting in and taking out of all the caths unnecessarily caused inflamation to where I couldn't pee.) So, I went home because we then had to wait for the injury they created to heal! well to family's house closer to the area and days later came back to get it out. All is well again.(I am aware of this embarassing story but hey it happens a lot apparently to people.)  My surgeon is not okay with the treatment I received and they did hurt me by being wreckless. Recovery has been tough and I'm still struggling. I'm still in bed. I wish I could just have 1 normal hospital stay for once. Being sick has built up lately. I had a horrific migraine cycle in November that they thought was a stroke or spinal fluid leak! Such a scare. Then my Gastroparesis became severe and I starved all January, resulting in getting my feeding tube back. Then I spiraled severely with Endometrisos to the point I was in massive pain and they booked me for surgery ASAP. I pray now I can get back onto my feet and regain strength. It's going to take time if things go right. I am fully deconditioned. Since surgery when I stand my heart burns because I have POTS and I'm that severely weak. I am proud despite all of these things, I did not quit my class. I had an A up until the last two days... I got a C all due to the surgery. My teacher was supposed to waive a few things and she didn't so I am praying it gets fixed and I get at least a B. It was discouraging to work so hard and loose that A over my body not working right. When I was 19, I took English (same class) and I had to drop out that semester to have this same surgery. So that's been my big fear is to fail out of school. It's just one class but for me that's a lot. I'm not normal. I don't function normal and that makes me so mad. But there is a reason and my advice to you sickies out there who are struggling... Let yourself hurt. It's okay to break sometimes. We all do, and if a disabled person tells you differently, they are lying. Being chronically sick to where you can't function is hard mentally. Just remember you are not failing at anything if you do the best you can (even if that's taking a shower for the day.) you have not failed. And even if I fail out of school, I would like to share a lesson I did learn in life. I think we all need to hear this lesson! When I started my school I was SO afraid I kinda locked up. I almost convinced myself not to do it. But a wise person asked me something. "Would you rather fail because you never tried and wonder your whole life what if, or would you rather fail out of class knowing that you tried despite everything." Take the chance! Don't let yourself wonder for the rest of your life "what if". You can not fail as long as you try your best! Life just redirects is and sometimes things don't work out for unknown reasons. But God has a plan for you. Trust in that. Believe me I wonder why I'm here a lot of these days when all I do is lay in my bed. But I assure you we all have something to do here... Otherwise we wouldn't be here now would we? Trust in God and keep trying. He never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it! Let yourself hurt, get mad, but don't give up on yourself. Love always -Chelle