I Told Myself I Would.

I told myself I would post one post a week. That's been a bit more challenging then I anticipated. Life is very busy right now. I'm almost done with school, meaning finals are being prepared. I am planning a wedding. I am very much dealing with chronic fatigue and health issues. I feel like my strength is totally gone, spending most of my time in bed I am deconditioned. Something I swore would never happen to me, again. Yet somehow it did. I believe highly in excersice in POTS. But there are time when my POTS wins, I won't lie. I have relapsed and I have new scary unresolved symptoms. I have had a severely hard time getting proper medical care. I've been pretty neglected by some* of my important caregivers. It was all high fives and praise until my relapse hit. Basically most of my doctors have ran away since I relapsed. (They all knew a relapse could happen.) That's been SUPER hard on me. I would say the most hard thing is this feeling. I trusted my caregivers and those few have left me in hard times. I won't go into detail but it has been very rough on me. It has effected my health negatively as well. I have very treatable symptoms not being treated currently due to pure negligence of one of my specialist. It has been very draining of my time and energy to attempt to get medical care lately. I spend many hours in the phone typically every single day. Even putting in that kind of time, I'm still being literally ignored. My doctor isn't looking at what's wrong, or really listening. The Doc is more focused on how hard it's going to be to figure t out. And that's where things have ended here. On top of that you know, I have a lot of supplies to keep track of as well. If you're chronically ill and debilitated you understand how sometimes medical care alone consists of overwhelming stress. We work every day to give our bodies what normal bodies should do without even thinking. I do things to help "fix". autonomic bodily functions, you will never think about. Did I mention I was tired? Lol. I will be happy to complete the Pathways Program through BYUI. If you are a member of the church any adult age, it's worth it. It is not easy as some people will likely portray. Typically, people who have never done the program will be the ones telling you how easy it is. lol. I assure you it takes time, work, and effort... But it is worth it! I feel very blessed and grateful! I have had a rough year but I assure you God all along told me I wouldn't be cured, but that I would function again. I would have a life. And sure enough, when I open my eyes, and look up, I am completing the pathways program and I am getting married! That's two normal people things. I remember those days of humility. I was SO crushed by life of being disabled and so sick. I didn't know if I would live through this. I wondered how I would EVER be something resembling normal again. I would miss my old self and cringe at the new. I would waiver with Heavenly Father to "please just let me be normal again." "I will be happy with the simple life," I would tell him. I was crushed, broken hearted, and I did not know how things would work out. But I had hope. I shared my story and did what God told  me to do. Somehow under all of it, I still hoped and had faith. Some days more then others. But I am living proof that you can find love and happiness in this world! You are so much more than your body! Your body's limitations are not you! You may have to live a bit differently, but the people who love you, will only keep loving you. I know what it's like to wish for normalcy after a heart wreching year.(or seven) but you keep doing the best you can in faith, and it will all work out. Maybe, not how you planned it, but the plan God has in store for you. Remember he has the bigger picture. But good things are always going to be placed in our lives, it merely depends on how we look at things. I believe if God takes something good away in our lives it is because he is replacing it with something even better. Take heart, the best is yet to come! Sincerely, -Chelle