Go Vs. Not to go

To go, or not to go. That is the question haha...

I just got a text from my sister asking if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart with her.

The old me would of said yes and never thought twice. Then new me has to go into a whole review and weight the pros and the cons... I fight in my head if it is worth it, if I will feel good, if I will have fun, if I will be too tired, if  I will get there then be ill.... the list goes on and on...And It is hard, it's a battle  that unfortunately comes with the territory. It never gets easier and I always am left with a feeling of guilt or sad I missed out when (on nights like tonight) when I weigh a big fat NO. Then if I go I am nervous or I tend to get there and I am just miserable... now the odds sometimes play in my favor and I win a victorious good healthyish time.

Oh, in the life of a chronically ill person.

this is my thinking face haha...


I am trying this whole thing where when I am upset or frustrated I listen to hymns...
it has a 98% successful outcome!

He is there!

 

Journal Entry...Braver??

Today I post my journal entry from yesterday. Am I getting stronger? Braver? I don't exactly know what to call it. I think I am finally just taking a breath of fresh air and "letting go" of what I can simply not control, no matter how bad I want to be in control of this

 

August 27, 2014

It's time, time to accept this life. This is my new life. There is no going back...Just forward now. Embrace the special life you have. Not as planned. Lots of hurdles to jump over. Some more pain to endure. But this is my life and I will NOT let a stupid condition take me down. I have to treat it. I have to push it. I have to medicate it.(referencing to my body) But God will never give me more than I can handle. I can do this. I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome/Dysautonomia and a slew of other conditions. But that is not who I am. Yes, it will always be a part of me but I can continue. Keep on keeping on.

P.S. I can't keep fighting with myself, I will never win.

 

 

Spasming Stomach, What You Gonna Do.

I am very sick, I have a very unhappy stomach... saw my new Primary Care Physician and she knew what POTS/Dysautonomia was...WHAT! she couldn't remember every little thing about it but knew the basics (hey I don't know who can remember all that, I can't!) She was kind to me too :) My stomach is being hyperactive and spasming very badly. This is occurring from my Dysautonomia. GRR! So, everything I put in my stomach is just going to come up until we get it under control with medication. I can not do anything for pain except antispasmodic medications (if you have had spasms you know pain medication doesn't even touch it)  (which I knew because it happens very often...) I stopped eating yesterday and basically drinking due to it, I thought I was going to get reamed...no she was so kind and put me on an ice chip/ popsicle diet! (to avoid vomiting) because if there is one thing really bad for POTS it would be vomiting... makes you very dehydrated. She told me I knew my body!!! way cool! Waiting to go to motility clinic September 8th! can't get in any sooner. I have been waiting for this appointment all summer!! I think I have a glimmer of hope, my stomach may be headed or in not very good shape but God has a plan for me, I can handle this...

P.S This is what my spasming stomach feels like/symptoms.... it hurts bad! like over 10 on the pain scale! it is bloated, you will be very nauseated, vomiting, putting food or even drinking will make the pain worse and you will probably just throw it up anyways, it hurts to move, laying down feels best, it will feel like it is moving and gurgling a lot even though it is empty (because it is moving too much), it will hurt to even touch it very lightly with your finger. Very Painful! Go to your Doctor if you feel like this because it could be something more serious and I am not a doctor... But that is what my spasms are always like...

I sipped a sprite, cranberry, vanilla Slush from sonic instead...much tastier :) I know Halloween is coming soon so this picture about fits in there lol #whatsickpeoplelooklike.

Personal feelings

As you all know, the biggest trial in my life thus far & currently, has been my ill health. I started being ill the very first few weeks of my Freshman year of High school. Gradually each year since I have gotten worse and worse. With symptoms accumulating and multiple diagnosis, some right/some wrong. It has held for me a long journey...but this past May I found the culprit to my ill non describable baffling non believable health issues. It is called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome/dysautonomia. I will tell you about it but just the very basics because we could be here for years going over symptoms, treatments, ect.... basically my blood volume is low due to my kidneys kicking out all my salt and then my heart rate well it is super duper high like 110s doing nothing...when I stand or sit this gets worse around 135-160bpm, then my blood pressure will drop upon standing as well  because my autonomic nervous system is not working right. it effects my whole body from head to toe. (lately my tummy and kidneys are really reeking havoc)It has taken nearly everything out of me. But one thing It has given me was a very strong testimony that Jesus Christ is my savior and God My Father in Heaven... I am a Latter Day Saint of Jesus Christ, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ I believe Jesus gave his life for us, I believe in the Holy Ghosts, I believe in the preexistence, I believe in the resurrection, I believe in goodness and light, I believe in angels here on earth and in heaven, I believe in eternity, I believe in Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon as well as all of the other wonderful prophets that have guided and continue to guide us in life <3 I also believe in prayer and that having faith is a very important key in life. I believe in choosing the right. I have had many blessings in this life as we all have... some of those blessings have been in disguise and let me tell you I didn't even recognize them until I looked back... Trails are tough but they let us grow, and test our faith. Heartaches and trials hurt, but they will bring beautiful blessings.... I very much know this. What do I also know? Sometimes we really have to be paying attention to seek out the blessings. We could so easily let life pass us by not paying attention to the Lord, not seeking truths... but what would happen?? Personally, I ponder this question and I think, "wow!" I would be very lonely, I would be honestly I am unsure if I would be alive enduring so much sickness without God's healings and tender mercies. I would be angry and bitter always... I probably wouldn't care to help others...  I'd probably just have given up. Quit...ugh can I just say thinking about what I could of been without the lord is scary to me... so Dark and hopeless my world would be. Instead I choose to endure because I know God is there and I am never alone. 
           Everyone has there human moments, and rightfully so... I get mad at God on occasion, I get sad that this could happen to me, I question things in life, I feels sorry for my sick self, I sometimes get so worked up I throw a temper tantrum and say, "why me!?" Even though those negative hard times have occurred... My Heavenly Father has been patient with me, for me... He waits...waits until I am quiet enough and sends his beautiful tender mercies to me... no matter how mad, or sad, or "stupid" I behaved. And every time I feel ashamed but I do have a strong understanding that no one knows me better ... he sees what I am going through and he as an ever loving father is forgiving and willing to wrap his love around me always...he loves us ALL, no matter what. He knows I am imperfect... for if I was perfect I would not be here now would I?? My Heavenly Father is forgiving, to me, to you, to us....
         Though the stars do not always shine brightly my faith sure will! God is there; in the air on a crisp autumn day where the colorful leaves lie, in the coziness of the cuddling up with hot chocolate and a good book in the middle of a winter storm, in the reborn peaceful smell of grass perking up in spring, in the bright beautiful sunshine and green leafs in the summer. God is with us in every season of life, sunshine, rain, wind, storms...He is our anchor, he will hold us down with grace and teach us humility...He also is our crane and lifts us up when we can no longer stand, or fight the waves of life. There is no one like God and not one other alike me and you. we all are here for a reason. We all have special purposes. One thing I am trying to learn is god is helping me help others. Being ill is not a curse, it is in fact a mighty blessing... it just takes a lot of balancing. Now I need to find where I am pick up my feet, brush myself off, dry my eyes, and continue forward with the Lord by my side!

Chelle Shares: Living with Bob (Dysautonomia) blog Post Today, Tommorrow, and Yesterday: The SymptomsThey Dont Tell You About

I agree fully.... it's the things listed here our doctors never tell us about, never even talk about really... the worst symptoms of all ....Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome Dysautonomia.http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com/
MY HEART FULLY GOES OUT TO ANYONE WITH POTS/DYSAUTONOMIA OR ANY MEDICAL ILLNESS. MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE WITH OUR SYMPTOMS AND LIFES....XOXO-Chelle

This is My POTS Look

 

This is my haven't slept and have been pretty sick for 32ish hours,

but hey who's counting!

These days are rough but God somehow, some ways gives me continuously strength to get through this trial. Strength to be sick practically all the time.

Strength to go out in public looking 'fine' and being a total mess inside, some days I cry inside even though I may look perfectly fine...other days I cry aloud and look well (to me) pathetic. I know tears are good, when we cry we let go of bad things.

I wish I never had to cry again but I know I am a 21 year old female living a lifetime of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome Dysautonomia... the tears are bound to happen.

Everyone cries. Everyone has trials, & hurt in there life...

The other day a dear friend was dealing with a hard time in her life,

She mentioned to me "you probably think I am just a big baby. You have so much to deal with."

My reply, "No of course not. We all have trials & they are not all the same but I think we all feel the same amount of heartaches in life...it always hurts, a heartache, & in the scriptures it does say that mans heart will fail them..."

Being sick, I am not sure if I will ever find it okay or normal.

But I hope one day it becomes easier.

One day all the symptoms magically disappear.

I have hope.

But I know too I have a plan eternal and I have already seen the hardships of illness have brought me some very mighty blessings & knowledge.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring, nor next week, nor next year...

But I know Lord, you will always be at my side in good times and bad times, you are there. There are bigger reasons to my constant illness than I am sure I could ever imagine.

Some people would say I was "cursed" believe me I have those days where nothing is fair, and I want to figure out what I did so wrong to deserve this...nothing... I did nothing wrong

God loves us all the same and it took me a long time to realize God does not punish us. Never EVER! He is our life line of hope and goodness.

He gives us the gift of his son Jesus Christ to guide and comfort us.

We are so lucky to be here on this earth. Living a life to eternity. But bottom line we are all going through something at sometime. We are weight lifting the lessons of life. It will hurt before it gets better, or easier. We will be sore before we can lift the heavy weights of life...but when we do we will be so much stronger then before.

And that no one can ever take away! xoxo-Chelle

A Decent Day

Today I had a decent day... went to our property to see my dad (he was getting the horse ready to go roping) a regular... I just love how pretty and green and full of life everything is.
This is what happens when your dad takes your picture I have a whole lot of these... closed eyes

....

I took a selfie and I couldn't see the screen on my phone so I got an okay picture! even with the crookedness haha. I am just happy to document a decent day. Thankful for all my blessings <3-Chelle