Monday, August 25, 2014

Personal feelings

As you all know, the biggest trial in my life thus far & currently, has been my ill health. I started being ill the very first few weeks of my Freshman year of High school. Gradually each year since I have gotten worse and worse. With symptoms accumulating and multiple diagnosis, some right/some wrong. It has held for me a long journey...but this past May I found the culprit to my ill non describable baffling non believable health issues. It is called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome/dysautonomia. I will tell you about it but just the very basics because we could be here for years going over symptoms, treatments, ect.... basically my blood volume is low due to my kidneys kicking out all my salt and then my heart rate well it is super duper high like 110s doing nothing...when I stand or sit this gets worse around 135-160bpm, then my blood pressure will drop upon standing as well  because my autonomic nervous system is not working right. it effects my whole body from head to toe. (lately my tummy and kidneys are really reeking havoc)It has taken nearly everything out of me. But one thing It has given me was a very strong testimony that Jesus Christ is my savior and God My Father in Heaven... I am a Latter Day Saint of Jesus Christ, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ I believe Jesus gave his life for us, I believe in the Holy Ghosts, I believe in the preexistence, I believe in the resurrection, I believe in goodness and light, I believe in angels here on earth and in heaven, I believe in eternity, I believe in Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon as well as all of the other wonderful prophets that have guided and continue to guide us in life <3 I also believe in prayer and that having faith is a very important key in life. I believe in choosing the right. I have had many blessings in this life as we all have... some of those blessings have been in disguise and let me tell you I didn't even recognize them until I looked back... Trails are tough but they let us grow, and test our faith. Heartaches and trials hurt, but they will bring beautiful blessings.... I very much know this. What do I also know? Sometimes we really have to be paying attention to seek out the blessings. We could so easily let life pass us by not paying attention to the Lord, not seeking truths... but what would happen?? Personally, I ponder this question and I think, "wow!" I would be very lonely, I would be honestly I am unsure if I would be alive enduring so much sickness without God's healings and tender mercies. I would be angry and bitter always... I probably wouldn't care to help others...  I'd probably just have given up. Quit...ugh can I just say thinking about what I could of been without the lord is scary to me... so Dark and hopeless my world would be. Instead I choose to endure because I know God is there and I am never alone. 
           Everyone has there human moments, and rightfully so... I get mad at God on occasion, I get sad that this could happen to me, I question things in life, I feels sorry for my sick self, I sometimes get so worked up I throw a temper tantrum and say, "why me!?" Even though those negative hard times have occurred... My Heavenly Father has been patient with me, for me... He waits...waits until I am quiet enough and sends his beautiful tender mercies to me... no matter how mad, or sad, or "stupid" I behaved. And every time I feel ashamed but I do have a strong understanding that no one knows me better ... he sees what I am going through and he as an ever loving father is forgiving and willing to wrap his love around me always...he loves us ALL, no matter what. He knows I am imperfect... for if I was perfect I would not be here now would I?? My Heavenly Father is forgiving, to me, to you, to us....
         Though the stars do not always shine brightly my faith sure will! God is there; in the air on a crisp autumn day where the colorful leaves lie, in the coziness of the cuddling up with hot chocolate and a good book in the middle of a winter storm, in the reborn peaceful smell of grass perking up in spring, in the bright beautiful sunshine and green leafs in the summer. God is with us in every season of life, sunshine, rain, wind, storms...He is our anchor, he will hold us down with grace and teach us humility...He also is our crane and lifts us up when we can no longer stand, or fight the waves of life. There is no one like God and not one other alike me and you. we all are here for a reason. We all have special purposes. One thing I am trying to learn is god is helping me help others. Being ill is not a curse, it is in fact a mighty blessing... it just takes a lot of balancing. Now I need to find where I am pick up my feet, brush myself off, dry my eyes, and continue forward with the Lord by my side!