Monday, August 15, 2016

8-15-16 Realizations

I am being beeped at while writing this post! (Beep beep beep beep) I just finished all my formula and all my fluids!! #whoop #happygirl #tubie I just shared this video I made last year on my FB page... (It popped up on my memories) I remember making it in literally an hour because I had found out an hour prior it was Gastroparesis month!   Ironically  it had been a year that month my Gastroparesis got so bad I couldn't eat by mouth! As I just shared it for more awareness, I decided to watch it. I thought to myself, "this video is probably going to be one of those moments when I look back and think to myself, 'what was I thinking posting this?'" To my surprise I ended up crying my eyes out. Not because I am sad, but because I have come so far. I mean really really far! I kinda was thinking last night about how I have been sick for 9 years this month. August is a hard month for me because it's a reminder that it's been another year. (Without a magic cure) don't worry I moved past that phase years ago. I have excepted my new life. That doesn't make it easy... But I have endured so many things and there have been many moments of feeling completely lost and out of control. What do you do when your whole entire life comes crashing down and you can't do anything to make it better nor can any doctor or person in this world??! (Turn to God and your loving Heavenly Father, and don't forget he isn't a genie)  Many days I have grieved my old life. The old me. This past week I have felt really good, the best in months. I am having a good streak!! I know at anytime it can change... I used to know that and wouldnhave a huge heartache every time I got back to being really chronic and malfunctioning.... I would grieve the old me all over again.. But through this journey of turmoil and pain... Choices and treatments... The hardest decisions in my life... The corners of having to do things I simply didn't want to... Becoming the person i NEVER wanted or THOUGHT I would be... Relying on others to help me do things I should be able to do myself!! Living at home at 23 (okay those two still irritate me to no end) but through all these battles and rough times I have grown so so much. I know things I would never have known if these bad times never happened to me. I found out to enjoy those good moments in life those good days and to spend them with the ones I love. Do things I love! Time is precious, so I now just enjoy it when I can and that is okay for me! I find joy in the littlest things. If I get up and have a tiny bowl of cereal or do some dishes or make my appointments with a little extra energy to do something else. (You might remember when make up was my hobbie and love... Then I was too tired and plain sick to care about how I looked. I would try on good days. But before I knew it I lost my make up love... Especially after my tremors worsened on my left eyelid. It won't hold still when I close it to put my makeup on.  My hands get shaky too...I couldn't do my winged liner that was cake to me anymore. I grew frusterated. To the point I dreaded makeup. My true love) but today I conquered my wind liner despite my disabilities! I just created calm and remembered I could do winged liner if I have been through all I have endured in my life... I mean really Michelle!)  I have a new rule of painting my nails weekly. (As it boosted my confidence, I have to be super clean and wash and use a lot offhand sanitizer with my Port! So it comes off quickly... But I had a realization this week... I wasn't painting my nails over a port? And them not looking perfect ? Despite them making me feel "pretty" uh no more of that!) I am truly really happy! When I take all my meds in my med calander the whole week! Honestly I praise myself when I shower!  I am one of those people who don't like driving and never had! I can't control it all and I get stressed and overwhelmed (funny in my life with all those uncontrollable situations... I still hate not having total control) but I have had to have rides lately and I am so thankful to those who have helped me out to take me to my appointments!!  I mean so truly aprecoative! THank you all xo!!!! I think after this month I won't "hate" driving ever again I miss Herbie so much & my freedoms!! But I have learned to be more flexible... I have learned most importantly how strong I truly am. That video brought back memories... And that's just one avenue of my many health battles. I may fall and often, but I ALWAYS get back up. I always keep going & I can honestly say I have NEVER ever stopped trying and giving it 110%. I am tough and stubborn sometimes... Sometimes it henders my care. But mostly it helps my care because though I have found a team of specialists who seem to be able to get me and my situation. And I trust! Who try working together the best they can, I am the one calling the shots! I do all the researching I can, to the point I usually am one step ahead of my doctors (and sometimes they probably want to choke me lol because then they need a plan B and C because i typically have plan A when I arrive figured out or i tried it) I am constantly doing everything in my power to help make things better, to learn how to do this life. Because this is the life I chose! God gave me this life, though I wonder if he as my father told me, "Maybe this is a little too much to take on for one little girl." I am sure my stubbornness said, "watch me" I am the one who fights, falls, brushes herself off and chooses to get back up! I used to think how weak I was. That I was indeed the worlds biggest looser. But then I started blogging, and I found myself sharing my faith of the LDS church. I found myself helping others get help, diagnosises, or just helping them not feel alone and talking with a person who "gets it" ... I was afraid to tell the world about being sick. I was afraid people would talk about me. I was really afraid no one would believe me and think I wanted down form of attention?  I'm sure it a little to do with age too but I am seeing how truly brave, and strong I am! NEVER give up on yourself or your situation! Even if it seems endless and no one can truly help you in this whole world! Just take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other... One day at a time! (Or one second) Lots of love from me!! Please don't give up you  CAN do it!!!!! (you might not be able to see it now but one day you will look back and think, "Wow, I did All of that! How crazy!" Be proud of you! Remember who you really are- Chelle P.S. I asked for prayers for my sweet grandma Pearl and she is back "home"... Thank you so much for prayers! 😘 Today I had the opportunity to spend some time with my other Grandma Sherrron and I just love her to death!! I enjoyed my time with her on a good day!  She lives in town and I think I have a lot of her in me... She just gets me! And we went to get drinks at sonic (I have been fighting with my gastric tube since last night m, it was clogged. I was unsure why or how...) but I chose iced coffee yummy! And it was just very liquid not chunks of anything... I hooked to my drain bag and was a lot Leary knowing it was clogged up... Well I just looked down and all my little blood clots (that formed inside my tummy from the bleeding scar tissue from my stoma) were visually in my tube so it pushed them out of the tube! Thanks Grandma!! You saved a G tube 😉 I love both my Grandmas and I am so happy to have had some time with both of them this week! Love them, they are precious gifts!! -Chelle 
Anesthesia makes my hair fall out a bit this is 1/3 of what I got after combing it today! Yikes! Anyone want to buy me a wig?? Lol I always do this... Everytime! (I won't literally loose all my hair) just a rediculous amount (in my humble opinion) I could have chosen this to ruin my day but you can choose to pick your battles too!  but hey hair always grows back! Never  forget that! (Well I know some people suffer from baldness and due to illnesses, you have my love) XO!!!