Tuesday, February 28, 2017

We Can Change

I woke up to snow falling. Big beautiful feathery flakes! Me and snow, we have a thing. I literally opened the blinds and it was as if the snow had just started falling for me. The snow felt like a sign from Heaven to keep trying. (It was like a fleck glitter. I needed it.) Things do not happen on our time lines. But that doesn't mean what's meant to be won't happen for us in due time. Somedays, I truly wonder why I blog. Why I ever started this thing! Somedays I think, "I've officially lost my mind." And here I am doing it again! But it's always followed with a spirtuial confirmation that I am doing the right thing. So I continue to post about some times seemingly boring thing. Others I wish those days were seemingly boring for they were rough. My life has changed over the past few months. I've witnessed miracles really. I've come a million miles. I won't give up now. Things are really just starting. So what I had a bad week. Am I going to let a bad week defeat Me? No. I want my goals to be reached today. No, that's not true I wanted them to be reached yesterday! I get frustrated. I know these things about myself. I like to think that everything must happen on a perfect little timeline. Which is funny the past 5 years of my life have definitely not been put on a timeline of "life plans". The past 5 plus years were not in my plans. Are you kidding? I begged. I pleaded. I drug my feet. No!  But it was a part of my plan to grow and strengthen me. And when I realized that... I decided to embrace My life. Heavenly Father does in fact give us more then we can handle. Yes. Because if we could handle it... We wouldn't know how to problem solve. We would not know how to make lemonade  out of lemons. I doubt we would know true compassion for others. How lending a helping hand to another in life is life changing. How could we feel if we have not felt hardships? How would we know the good was so good? We would all be comfortable in our little comfort zones. And that my friends, that won't get us anywhere. So I'm going to keep moving out of my comfort zone. Because I have So much more to do, see, & experience. Life will constantly and consistently throw you curve balls. I prefer to dodge them. I don't like things thrown at me. Literally. My hand eye coordination is hilarious. I'm the same way with the metaphor. Satan wants us to doubt ourselves. He wants us to feel like we have failed. He wants to interrupt our Eternal plans. That's how he drives a wedge inbetween our paths to Heavenly Father... In hopes he will win and we will quit having faith in the goodness of life. If He can get us to quit  and give up on our plan eternal he has been victorious. We will quit turning to our Father in Heaven, piece by piece. He is a sneaky little devil! But sometimes you just have to be brave and keep trying, moving forwards. I know Somedays my head just spins but those are the moments we have to be the strongest. We have to put our feelings of doubt aside and just rely on plain old faith.  We don't know what's ahead but let's go forward in faith in Heavenly Father's plans for us, thinking it is a wonderful life. Because it is... Put your umbrella down and dance in the rain. Let's not block the blessings from falling upon us. Especially over worries that someone else might not think we are "good enough" or any thing else. We are! https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/shower-of-heavenly-blessings 
"Now it's time to finally spread your wings and soar to higher things you know the limit is the sky As you go if you sometimes fail when your spirit's frail remember you were meant to fly"
You can change. Don't give up ever on your goals! 
Chins up Dears-Chelle 

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Thoughts in My Brain from Yesterday

Before church my tummy was so angry. But I preserved  and church was great! I now am drinking some Gatorade to replenish. (I have seen many POTSies suggest using the Gatorade powder and add extra powder so you get more electrolytes) I tried it out and I have to say it is Wayy too much sugar! And I think I will stick to my unflavored pedialyte and juice. I personally don't recommended this Gatorade powder trick. I'm so fatigued. I do drink Gatorade and Powerade on occasion but I tend to always stick to my pedialyte. I did sleep last night (Saturday)  & when I woke up.. I was very disappointed to find an angry body. It was well rested, but the physical stress must be too much and has caught up. I'm tired but I'm happy. I feel so blessed to partake the sacrament no matter how nauseated. That was such a frustration for me, not being able literally physically to even go to an hour of church. It was hard and I felt guilty a lot of Sundays. But as I prayed Heavenly Father told me he understood My efforts. That it was okay & he knew I'd try to muster up some sort of Studies, and mostly conference talks on Sunday's. My efforts were not unnoticed. I don't think anyone ever thinks that one day Church could literally not be an option. Due to physical impairments... But it does happen. I can say General Conference gained a much bigger love during that time!  I feel blessed for the little but big simplicities in my life. Like attending Church. I had a trying week but a good week.
I restarted physical therapy, I had a VW picnic, I got some sunshine. I seem human again. My progress can be slower then I'd like at times but I just have to rely on My faith. Then that means I must work on My patience. Keep smiling, Life is good-Chelle                                                  (I would like to add a side note: sometimes I see some very disappointing posts on Social Media. Poking fun at people's weaknesses. I know memes are funny. I've spent many nights with insomnia reading them and giggling. But there is a line to be crossed. There is a difference between taking a photo off a movie or a clip, using a cat, and using a real person's real life post... as the tail end of a joke. Yesterday, there was a viral photo with a severe skinny malnourished teen. It poked fun at her anorexia. It called her "stupid". Anorexia is a disease. That's not funny nor okay. Her struggles to eat are not a joke. How do You think she is feeling after the photo she posted went viral as a joke on her illness? (Wether she is taking action of care or not. She is clearly struggling.) For all any of us know... it's not anorexia it could be a different disease. One she has no control over at all. I was called anorexic by many medical professionals. Meanwhile I was slowly and rapidly starving to death. I had a paralyzed stomach. No matter how hard I tried the docs wouldn't interviene. Thankfully Heavenly Father guided Me when I wasn't sure if I was really overreacting, or if My specialist was brushing me off. So after not eating for 3months. I went into my appointment and demanded blood work be done to put my worried mind at ease. (She claimed I was fine.) Heavenly Father warned me the night before in prayer to work fast. So I got upset and I remember begging for these labs. She refused. And I left in tears and promised I would never return. (I still have not returned) my PCP the next day started tube feeding me via IV. I was severely malnourished. I did almost die of starvation. So when I can see a physically ill sick person. Who is starving. To the point I can see death is too close for any comfort. It is not funny!! Starvation is truly miserable. It effects everything in you. I remember it felt like my brain wasn't even working. It was physically & mentally draining to put it lightly. It hurt severely in ways you couldn't understand unless you have been there too! And a lot of my Gastroparesis friends can look anorexic at times. What people don't see is under the clothes lays a feeding tube and/or an central IV line. But most importantly a very wonderful person who is struggling to not starve to death. And sometimes they do starve to death.... Many diseases cause weight loss and malnutrition. Anorexia and bulimia do too. They can result in death. So You think that young girl clearly struggling with body image is going to take this viral attack at her body well? (Assuming that's what's even wrong) Dont poke fun at illness in any form. Our laughter should not come from dragging another human being through the mud. We should not tear down to build ourselves up. That's bullying. Love one another. You don't know what you can't see on the outside. You don't know what battles people are fighting on the inside.. What if that was your Social Media post? Or your family members? Would it still be funny or hurtful? Let's just be kind to one another. I am going to work on this too. Kindness is contagious. I also believe being mean is contagious as well. Even unintentionally. Satan wants us to sin. So it's easy to laugh.  But be the light of this earth and the example to treat all with respect, love, and kindness. Online as well. It's easy to hide behind computers... If You saw this girl in real life would you go up to her and tell her she was stupid? Probably not... Treat people the same online as you would in person. I know if we all do these things our hearts will soon be filled with happiness and love. Thanks! Your Friend-Chelle 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

The end to a under slept, under kept week!

I've slept for the first time in a few days! πŸ™Œ I really needed that nap. Dysautonomia is no joke! I do not like it when I quit sleeping. It's torture. Literally they used to make war prison camp victims stand and not sleep for torture. (Yeah, a little fact I picked up from being sick from a doctor πŸ˜‚) I learn all kinds of things just being Michelle!
I did get to restart physical therapy this week and I am ready to heal! The phone saga continues... Still working on getting through to my doc. But she called me today but I was asleep! (It's Saturday. But what an awesome doc to call in Saturday!) She has not received a word of any of my messages. Her office even told me she took care of it... I was skeptical. Because nothing had been done... It clearly was not taken care of. So I got office blocked again. She will call me Monday. And I will be letting her know I did not forget and did MY part... And the things her office have told me over the past few weeks that clearly were not true at all... I've been calling for two weeks! Being chronic is relentless. I'm going to rant for a minute. If you work In a medical office. Some patients believe it or not... Know what they are talking about and doing! We exist. I know not all patients are like me. Some are foolish... But we who hold knowledge do exist.  My doctor really did tell me to find the name of a medication I previously was on, call her office, leave the message, & she would call me back to talk. She really did say She was going to call me... I did not make that up? We had a plan... But bottom line  I was blocked. Because my messages were not relayed to my doctor properly. But I was told My Doctor had taken care of everything. So therefore there was nothing I could do... Luckily my doc will be contacting me again it sounds like and we can straighten it all out. I am getting tired of phone sagas. If you live chronic don't give up. Because sadly this happens often and the doctors are not even involved but you think they are because that's what you are told in the phone.... So don't give up call them until they get so annoyed they put you through (if you have to) don't be afraid to stand up for yourself!                        On a different note, I am slowly continually loosing weight. I hit underweight this past week. It's official. However we don't know what this means. I am eating. I am eating well. So we are calorie counting. Ah! 😩 calorie counting hurts my soul. I start looking at all the foods and I start counting the calories. Before you know it you can't eat a chip without counting the calorie contents... But I am intaking more calories then we suspected so... I'm winning πŸ’ͺ My doctor thinks I may be actually burning more calories then normal...  We are running out of conclusions. So this should be fun to figure out... Dysautonomia is dysaregulation of autonomic bodily functions. I have tachycardia among many other things often. If I truly am burning more calories to maintain my weight... My gut tells me it's going to be interesting to find the bottom line of where and what is the target.  Wish me eating luck, and pray for sleep! Crazy hard week is almost over -Chelle 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Temper Tantrums

My body has forgotten how to sleep.
Right now it's down right "throwing a fit" as I say. My body is detecting the weather change. Yes. The weather change has made my body mad. Yes when your autonomic nervous system busts... Nothing can greatly affect you!  My body it throwing up a fight. Literally. I have a fever. Even despite the Tylenol. I'm not deathly ill but I imagine tomorrow will be a trying day for me. In fact I just feel like my nervous system can't make up its mind. And that's truly the case. My brain thinks I'm in danger. It's sending the signals to my body. I have severe insomnia. And I finally threw in the towel. Sometimes you have to quit. Sometimes you let the toddler for instance throw the tantrum. That's what I'm doing. I am saying "okay body do whatever you are going to do... Because frankly you're not listening to a word I'm saying." I have no more tools for the night. I'm ignoring you! So I will be up having a POTSie Party! It is so fun. The tachycardia is setting in. (That's just great now I'm so super exhausted and I get to run a mile while I lay here. Well I probably won't have the energy to workout tomorrow anyways! So I guess I'll do it now while I lay in bed. #POTS.) and if you are thinking "wow how lucky She gets to workout while laying down. NO. It's like the cardio you can't quit. You don't get to stop after 20minutes. I am wasting vital sleeping time. You know when my Autonomic nervous system resets itself every night. Yeah, that's not happening. Fine body. Throw the fit. I'm done. Let's watch social media and Netflix. Sometimes it's truly crucial with chronic illnesses to just say okay. This isn't Burger King but tonight you can have it your way. You have to have a happy medium and the more you fight against it really you're just stressing yourself out further. (To a point) I can not make my body sleep tonight. So I am actually wasting energy being upset about it. So I'm going to quit being upset. I'm going to quit pushing this body to rest, and I'm giving in. For my sanity! You all know I'm a vivid fighter. I think that's been very clear. But something I want to share is, it is okay to just give in sometimes. It's okay! Don't stress over what you can't change. Ride the tide my friends. Ride the tide. Lots of love. Pray for spoons! I'm gonna need them!. -Chins up- Chelle 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

How I am eating today? Do I Still have a feeding tube?

There seems to be a lot of confusion on why I still have a feeding tube... As well do I still have a feeding tube? So I'm going to straighten those questions out & explain what is now going on in my current situation. You have got questions. I have got answers!!                                                  So Yes I still have my GJ feeding tube. I also have my port a cath. (My port will be going nowhere. That option isn't even on the table.) But as far as feeding tubes I have a tube called a "GJ" tube. That means I have two tubes built into one tube. So the G stands for Gastric. It goes into my stomach. The J stands for Jejunal. That tube goes in through the same spot and continues down into the small intestine called the jejunum. Here is a good image:
(this photo link: https://goo.gl/images/sUdUxT )   People who are tube fed with Gastroparesis 99.9% of the time will need to fully bypass the stomach in order to sustain nutrition. So I always fed through my small intestine by a pump that slowly pumped in formula basically 24-7.
completely leaving my stomach out of use. Because my stomach was so paralyzed at the time putting anything into my stomach caused severe pain and nausea. It was so bad I couldn't keep a sip of water down for years. That's how I almost died in the beginning. So we leave the stomach out of the picture and put a tube in the small intestine the jejunum. The jejunum is where your nutrients are absorbed. So the stomachs job is to mush up the foods we eat. Then the stomach sends it all nice and mushed up into the jejunum (small intestine) to be absorbed. So for years putting a tube into the small intestine and pumpkin formula into that small intestine was how I ate. So why do I also have Gastric  "G" tube? Well my stomach is paralyzed. That meant I sometimes would need to drain bile out of it. I also liked the fact you could eat some ice chips or drink a little and drain it out of the gastric tube. It is a great tool. So my tube is two tubes in one.... And that's how it all worked..... Now skip ahead to today I am eating by mouth. It's been a long process and it's not over. I slowly gained ability to drink my fluids. I slowly built my way up to be able to get balanced nutrition. I then built up to be able to take medication by mouth. With Gastroparesis it's tricky because food or medicine will sit in my stomach a lot longer then normal because it's paralyzed. It can sit in my stomach for over a days time... But we seem to be doing okay. My diet is now mostly liquids. Which is okay! And a lot of Gastroparesis patients live on full liquid diets. I drink a ton of Orgain meal replacement drinks. 
But it's food! My diet is particularly liquids the past 8 weeks. I eat some solids but my bulk nutrition comes in from these Orgain drinks. (I can't eat fruit or veggies keep in mind. They are too hard to digest and I get sick)  Also if you remember a while ago  I had to go back on one can of formula a day... due to my body adapting to the special protein in my formula. The formula is made for Gastroparesis so it's "pre broken-Down proteins" So when I eliminated it and just had normal protien my body was not absorbing it right... My body was not used to regular food proteins. That was the start of another weening process. I've been on a can a day via my G tube since. That's huge! I had to pump formula into my intestine at a very slow rate honestly. I never hit goal. (Which is why IV fluids were needed. I was choosing between formula and fluids every day. So then we did daily fluids via IV through my port. We are currently off those IVS they were the first to go.) so now I put my formula not into the small intestine but into my stomach. It also is done via gravity... Not a pump... Which means I have a can in a few minutes tops. That's the same as drinking it! (Minus the swallowing.) 
I just put it on this big syringe and pour it into my stomach via the gastric tube.  I accidentally did not get my formula one day last week. And I normally always feel it if I don't get that can of formula but I did not feel it. So for a few days now we are on half can of formula. (Obviously if it does not work we will go back up to one can daily.) SO WHY DO I HAVE A FEEDING TUBE?! Well you guys, I could go sign the death papers. (You have to sign forms stating you understand that removing a feeding tube will lead to death and you basically wave the ability to sue your doctor for taking the tubes out. (Family as well would not be able to) because obviously if you need nutritional intervention to stay alive... You're gonna die or have severe complications by take feeding tubes out.) but I am taking my time to take it out to let my body get the fuel it needs. I don't want to drink the formula by mouth. I mean it's formula. I haven't had the gags in months. (Knock on wood) once I start throwing up I don't stop. So I also don't want to rock the boat of the pukies. I want my body to be in its happy place and stay there. (As do my docs)  I also have a little hand surgery coming up so I want that J tube For one reason... Pain meds slow gastric motility for everyone ... So they make you digest slower. That's why you get nauseated ect on pain meds. I want that tube for that surgery recovery.  I want to see how my body handles that surgery. Every thing down to a tiny cold or tummy bug can alter my course of disease. It has the ability to put me back in bed, change how my Autonomic nervous system is operating, it dysregulates it further. It could put me back to J feeds... So we want to have our tools for that and we want to make sure this body is ready to really take those training wheels off. Getting a feeding tube put in is very hard and most GI doctors do not even do them. In fact we have like three places in our whole state. They mentally have a hard time putting them into a person who seems fine. Also young... They don't like putting them in younger people. Basically babies and elderly patients will get them easily. But for some reason they find it mean to do it to someone like myself. I suppose nearly starving me to death in the beggining was a lot nicer?? I'm not sure how I feel about that stigma of an excuse. So feeding tubies are hard to get in the first place. My stomach is STILL PARALYZED it's just able to tolerate foods right now. It's a fight daily but it's worth it. Actually my small intestine is a little paralyzed as well, if we wanna get technical. My stomach paralysis comes from my neurological condition Dysautonomia. (That is also the reason we have this improvement in my GI function. My Autonomic Nervous System is sending the messages better to the GI tract.)  So I am doing super well with the feeding and now I hope you can see the difference in the way I use my feeding tubes. In the beginning I ate through my small intestine totally bypassing the stomach. The stomach was not used for anything! I had to drain bile out of my stomach because it would just sit there. Stomach was out of order. Now I am able to literally put formula into my stomach. And eventually I won't need the formula. We are weening off of it. So that's how I eat, the changes in feeding tube uses, and why getting feeding tubes removed isn't just so easy to do as far as the getting one back in if needed another one down the road. The goal is to remove this two in one tube but it's not hurting anything. We don't want to set me up for failure by moving too quickly. I do have to make the decision in April I believe to replace the feeding GJ tube. (As they need replaced regularly) if it falls out or gets pulled out in the meantime I will most likely choose to try to leave it out and see what happens. (Yes those things happen often with feeding tubes) but also its clamped into my small intestine so no also ripping it out on purpose is not an option either lol... so there is the update on my Tubie life -Chelle 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Phone Battle Insights

A handful of supplements. 5,000mg of sodium and 40MEQ of potassium. 16fl ounces of pedialyte & 1 Orgain left for the day (that's actually a lot left at 5pm) all of my supplements are hard on the stomach and the Gastroparesis isn't going to ever be in my favor. I am not sure if I already mentioned but my autonomic ability to regulate my electrolytes have been poor. It is normal for a POTS patient to need sodium but I am a super POTSie when it comes to dysaregulation and my kidneys don't balance those electrolytes out anymore. I do it for them!  But just a few short months ago I was pumping all of this into my small intestine in my sleep. We are making progress people! He never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it! I may be queezy and a little dizzy... But I got this! (Eating/drinking to fast will cause a POTS flare. This is due to the poor blood flow in my body. Basically all the blood will go to my GI tract and not my heart or brain.) I'm really getting this balancing act down... It's simply day to day is different. I wanted to share though I've made strides, struggles appear daily for the simplest of things. Today i choose to be grateful for the ability to drink and take supplements by mouth, I am so happy for this gorgeous weather,  I'm happy I could drive and get some tasks completed, I'm even grateful for my crazy hair, & I'm grateful for my Grandma for it is that beautiful lady's birthday today! I'm pretty fond of that lady!  I love her a lot! And heaven knows how lucky I am to have her in my life! She is a blessing in my life. She isn't just grandma... She is a good friendπŸ’• life is a gift & one I won't ever take for granted! I'm still trying to get doctors to be in touch with me...
(These things are their ideas and they want to talk to me... They give me instructions. Literally. But their staff won't let me through... This phone call thing. Not my idea. If you live chronic you know the phone struggle is real! I am thankful for speaker phone! Thanks to that I was able to be on the phone and make myself look like a person at the same time πŸ’„ I did end up wanting to pull my hair out after more wasted phone time but I decided to just let it be. It is hard to spend so much time doing a repeated task. But the task is vital to my healthcare, so I will square my shoulders and keep trying.)  If today is too rough try tommorrow πŸ’•I know I'll be back on the phone in the morning. They refer to us as patients because we are really practicing out patience. (Wink) chins up lovies. You too will get through -Chelle 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Picking it up

I have decided I am picking up this Blog again. I am doing so much better & In so many ways. But my story is not over. Sitting in Church today I realized something... I only showed the hard times. The stopping of the posting has in fact not shown the miraculous moments in my life the past few months. The moments of pure tender mercies. The moments of amazing strides. The moments of fear. The moments of hope despite it all. I'm not finished. I've only begun my journey. Life with Dysautonomia is still hard. I still have many struggles. I look fine but I'm not always "fine" my tummy is so much better it thrills me! But it will still be a battle. In fact eating is a whole new battle all on it's own. I work hard to get daily nutrients packed in. I work hard to perfectly balance my electrolytes and hydration. All things my body should be doing on its own. My doctors work hard to keep me going. They are trying hard. They are giving me their everything... They have hope and they definetly do not want to see me fall backwards again. Heavenly Father gave me a second. chance at this life. It will be hard. It will be difficult. It will be different.(for sure) It will be worth it. I have a sign from a conference talk many years ago "come what may and love it" There were days I wanted to burn that sign. I couldn't have imagined the horrific days I'd encounter after I loved that talk. But it was always there in my room. A reminder from above to "love the situation". I did not love the situation at the time. I rather hated it. I wished it away. All I wanted was to be "normal" again. What I did not know is normal is overrated. I have a gift to be different. I live the complex life of 0 to 60. I go from fine to not fine fast. I battle those days. For now I am still doing basic treatments for my POTS. Nothing new has been added. They are finding new research and doing studies on autoimmunity and POTS. I do believe to be an autoimmune disease which will open other doors for future treatments for me. I still struggle with my many other medica conditions. But I work hard and do what is needed. Because I am learning how to help things to not become gruelingly out of control. The doctors are working together and learning what not to do best they can.  (There are so so many unanswered things) But I have a freedom I haven't had in years. I'm one of the lucky ones. I get to eat again. I still have my feeding tube and I still have one can of formula daily. That tube will come out when I am ready for it to come out. It's very hard to get a feeding tube. I almost died the last time and I won't be put in that position again. I still take it one step at a time. I have new goals that are in the future and I am choosing to be proud of my battle scars. Including my protruding port. (The one battle scar you can visibly see) I have been through tough times and odds are there will be more tough times ahead. I am chronically ill. In a hard fashion. But I have a view that only heaven could provide through these hard, broken, loose everything moments. I couldn't recognize myself at one point. Why did this happen to me? How could these hard horrible things happen? Why did I have to lay in bed in misery for years? Why did I have to almost starve to death due to neurological stomach paralysis? I know why... Because I am lucky. I was given those hard times to provide me knowledge. To humble me. To show me just what life what truly about. The pain hurt but it was worth it. I am human my he'd gets in the way and I have to remind myself of these lessons some days. Other days the reality hits like a ton of bricks. Would I go back and do it again? Yes. I had life mapped out. I had a future. Life was good to me. I slowly progressed and rapidly progressed to decline my health in so many ways. I was handed many hurdles I medically could not handle. My body failed me. But I never quit. Even when doctors told me to quit. I could not. I prayed and I would receive answered and I did my best to follow them. I did not have answers for years. My body weakened against the rapid disease that only worsens without treatments. I still do not have a for sure clear answer. I have Dysautonomia. That means my nervous system is broken. There is no guarantees in Dysautonomia. It's a flip of the switch condition. I could wake up tommorrow totally different. But I have a strong faith that I won't. Don't quit! Whatever your struggle is don't give up. Keep going. Crawl when you can't walk. Kneel when you can't stand. Buy a wheelchair! (I did) order and IV pole for your house. (I did) Whisper when you're too fatigued and too tachycardic to talk. When you body is running a marathon sitting still. Be stronger than it. When you can't eat and feel like giving up. When you throw up for hours until your throat bleeds and your face couldn't possibly hurt any worse. If a feeding tube is the scariest thing in the world to you right now. That's okay! But I promise you will overcome anything that's ahead of you. Even when you honestly don't want to...And when Heavenly Father tells you to prepare and you start miraculously feeling better... When you least expected it. Go fly! He said I'd have a better quality of life he never said he would cure me. That's something I am seeing, learning, remembering. Chronic is my life. New and old. But there is more to come then just chronic. Opportunity is at MY door. I have climbed my mountain and my faith is strong. My view is clear. I shall not fear. In rain or sunshine I'll be just fine! Heaven is here that I know too. Heavely father has shown me so much from up here. This view is so very crystal clear. I had a heavy broken heart from the start. I did not want I do this. This was not how I was going to be. How could life like this even be a possibility? But you know what I learned through this crippling journey? Just how lucky and blessed I truly am. I'm so thankful to have a loving Heavenly Father in my life! I'm thankful for the broken times. I'm thankful for the tears. Because now I see what happiness is! It's through Christ. We have a plan eternal. It's what we do with it that matters. How we choose to be. I know things always worsen when you think you can not possibly handle anymore. (By the way Heavely father will be there. He will as he promises.)  But just let that heartache grow you. Let it mold you. I blogged a tender mercy years ago! Heavenly Father himself told me "I would be okay". And I am!  Go climb that mountain! And rest in faith. He is there always! So "Pray he is there speak he is listening" just do the best you can do. But breathe in the fresh air, jump in the puddles, and learn when you walk that when you fall you just brush yourself off... step by step on the trail ahead. Look up love. This is MY story and I am still writing. Heavenly Father reminded me just what I do have to offer the world.-Chelle