Sunday, February 19, 2017

Picking it up

I have decided I am picking up this Blog again. I am doing so much better & In so many ways. But my story is not over. Sitting in Church today I realized something... I only showed the hard times. The stopping of the posting has in fact not shown the miraculous moments in my life the past few months. The moments of pure tender mercies. The moments of amazing strides. The moments of fear. The moments of hope despite it all. I'm not finished. I've only begun my journey. Life with Dysautonomia is still hard. I still have many struggles. I look fine but I'm not always "fine" my tummy is so much better it thrills me! But it will still be a battle. In fact eating is a whole new battle all on it's own. I work hard to get daily nutrients packed in. I work hard to perfectly balance my electrolytes and hydration. All things my body should be doing on its own. My doctors work hard to keep me going. They are trying hard. They are giving me their everything... They have hope and they definetly do not want to see me fall backwards again. Heavenly Father gave me a second. chance at this life. It will be hard. It will be difficult. It will be different.(for sure) It will be worth it. I have a sign from a conference talk many years ago "come what may and love it" There were days I wanted to burn that sign. I couldn't have imagined the horrific days I'd encounter after I loved that talk. But it was always there in my room. A reminder from above to "love the situation". I did not love the situation at the time. I rather hated it. I wished it away. All I wanted was to be "normal" again. What I did not know is normal is overrated. I have a gift to be different. I live the complex life of 0 to 60. I go from fine to not fine fast. I battle those days. For now I am still doing basic treatments for my POTS. Nothing new has been added. They are finding new research and doing studies on autoimmunity and POTS. I do believe to be an autoimmune disease which will open other doors for future treatments for me. I still struggle with my many other medica conditions. But I work hard and do what is needed. Because I am learning how to help things to not become gruelingly out of control. The doctors are working together and learning what not to do best they can.  (There are so so many unanswered things) But I have a freedom I haven't had in years. I'm one of the lucky ones. I get to eat again. I still have my feeding tube and I still have one can of formula daily. That tube will come out when I am ready for it to come out. It's very hard to get a feeding tube. I almost died the last time and I won't be put in that position again. I still take it one step at a time. I have new goals that are in the future and I am choosing to be proud of my battle scars. Including my protruding port. (The one battle scar you can visibly see) I have been through tough times and odds are there will be more tough times ahead. I am chronically ill. In a hard fashion. But I have a view that only heaven could provide through these hard, broken, loose everything moments. I couldn't recognize myself at one point. Why did this happen to me? How could these hard horrible things happen? Why did I have to lay in bed in misery for years? Why did I have to almost starve to death due to neurological stomach paralysis? I know why... Because I am lucky. I was given those hard times to provide me knowledge. To humble me. To show me just what life what truly about. The pain hurt but it was worth it. I am human my he'd gets in the way and I have to remind myself of these lessons some days. Other days the reality hits like a ton of bricks. Would I go back and do it again? Yes. I had life mapped out. I had a future. Life was good to me. I slowly progressed and rapidly progressed to decline my health in so many ways. I was handed many hurdles I medically could not handle. My body failed me. But I never quit. Even when doctors told me to quit. I could not. I prayed and I would receive answered and I did my best to follow them. I did not have answers for years. My body weakened against the rapid disease that only worsens without treatments. I still do not have a for sure clear answer. I have Dysautonomia. That means my nervous system is broken. There is no guarantees in Dysautonomia. It's a flip of the switch condition. I could wake up tommorrow totally different. But I have a strong faith that I won't. Don't quit! Whatever your struggle is don't give up. Keep going. Crawl when you can't walk. Kneel when you can't stand. Buy a wheelchair! (I did) order and IV pole for your house. (I did) Whisper when you're too fatigued and too tachycardic to talk. When you body is running a marathon sitting still. Be stronger than it. When you can't eat and feel like giving up. When you throw up for hours until your throat bleeds and your face couldn't possibly hurt any worse. If a feeding tube is the scariest thing in the world to you right now. That's okay! But I promise you will overcome anything that's ahead of you. Even when you honestly don't want to...And when Heavenly Father tells you to prepare and you start miraculously feeling better... When you least expected it. Go fly! He said I'd have a better quality of life he never said he would cure me. That's something I am seeing, learning, remembering. Chronic is my life. New and old. But there is more to come then just chronic. Opportunity is at MY door. I have climbed my mountain and my faith is strong. My view is clear. I shall not fear. In rain or sunshine I'll be just fine! Heaven is here that I know too. Heavely father has shown me so much from up here. This view is so very crystal clear. I had a heavy broken heart from the start. I did not want I do this. This was not how I was going to be. How could life like this even be a possibility? But you know what I learned through this crippling journey? Just how lucky and blessed I truly am. I'm so thankful to have a loving Heavenly Father in my life! I'm thankful for the broken times. I'm thankful for the tears. Because now I see what happiness is! It's through Christ. We have a plan eternal. It's what we do with it that matters. How we choose to be. I know things always worsen when you think you can not possibly handle anymore. (By the way Heavely father will be there. He will as he promises.)  But just let that heartache grow you. Let it mold you. I blogged a tender mercy years ago! Heavenly Father himself told me "I would be okay". And I am!  Go climb that mountain! And rest in faith. He is there always! So "Pray he is there speak he is listening" just do the best you can do. But breathe in the fresh air, jump in the puddles, and learn when you walk that when you fall you just brush yourself off... step by step on the trail ahead. Look up love. This is MY story and I am still writing. Heavenly Father reminded me just what I do have to offer the world.-Chelle