Saturday, September 13, 2014
September 12, 2014
Tonight has been particularly hard for me. I have been in battle for such a long time with my body, I just can't help but to not see a way out. All I do is get worse. I continue to find more symptoms when I feel there can't possibly find more. That is where I have to practice my faith in the atonement. God has a plan for me eternal, part of that plan is dying and going to heaven. ( I don't understand how I can be scared of going to heaven...it is like where we are all striving to go)...I am sure I am not withering away or going to die. I think it is a irrational fear ...well I think it is rationale at times, I go through so much... Nights like tonight I wonder how my tiny body could possibly go through anymore. How I can possibly go through anymore... Jesus Christ. Thanks my answer, he himself knows all my sufferings. Each and Every one. To. List; I hope my POTS calms down, My Dysautonomia calms down, my gastro awfulness calms down, my vomiting calms down, my urinary issues calm down, my pain calms down, my numbness calms down, my spasms calm down, my dilated burning eyes calm down, my hematomas on the fragile skin around my eyes calm down, my ache/rash thing calms down, my tachycardia calms down, my blood volume regulates, my sores from countless IV's calms down, my endometriosis pain calms down, my allergy symptoms calm down, my joint pain calms down, my fatigue and constant sleeping calms down, my insomnia calms down, my brain fog calms down, my lichen planus lesions calm down, my stomach cramps calm down, my anxiety calms down, my headaches calm down, my fear calms down, the endless pit of worry I hold calms down....That is what I live with. Every. Single. Day. I wonder how? The answer has never been so obvious through my Lord Jesus Christ. Here I have been sitting all night thinking about all that is wrong with me. How I will never have anything, do anything, be anything... how my body couldn't possibly take another day of this. I was the walking dead. No. I was none of these negative thoughts I was thinking. I am strong and I can do this... Because of Jesus Christ and his never ending love for me I have been able to do the amazing things I have....I have gotten through it with him and I will get through it with him.
I am sick. I am chronically sick. I am bad sick. Sure, there are a lot of other people with worse things. but I have a huge plateful of symptoms and little success in treatment at the moment. This disease takes every ounce out of me. I fight. With My Savior by My side.