Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Bare Naked Truth.

As you all know, I have been very chronically ill. I am sure you noticed my posts have lessened. In the depths of the long agony being chronically sick has held me in (what feels like a never ending time capsule, that you can not get out of) I found myself with less to say, less to talk about, less to think. In some ways less to care. I have been feeling pretty lonely and afraid. Depression has sinked in some days. I however seem to have the relentlessness to always get back up and press forward. Some days I am scared stiff, literally it is excruciating. I have two things my mind focuses on 1. being sick, 2. what am I going to do about it. I finally found that last piece of the puzzle (or so I thought) in May getting diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome/Dysautonomia. among other diagnoses. I felt I was going to be better, and have improvements. I kinda had a few days where ya hoo! I felt I was improving...and working my tail off to see that I did improve... but I haven't improved really, in the big scheme of things. I feel basically the same if not worse... I have no quality of life, I go to doctors, to IV therapy, to physical therapy, and repeat. I have a mean disease and it is pulling my every which way. I now am feeling confused by the fact that I am not seeing any real improvements, and that I still have very little quality of life. It scares the heck out of me! I won't lie. So part of me has been grieving the loss of an old dear friend, a little girl who thought she had the world in her hands. Had big dreams always on any given day. I will never get that little innocent girl back. Because I am now an adult. Being sick took her from me and I ended up in this warped mixed up nightmare. Now she is gone for good. But I do have a new adult friend trying to get things as messed up as they are, together again. Lots going on here. I am sure you can see. But it's real this is the raw part most people aren't going to tell you about what being sick does to them. They aren't going to come out and say I have anxiety like a 2 year old when my mom leaves for work. (however kept inside) Being sick has been the biggest nightmare in my life and I get the feeling I am in for the long haul. One thing I do know deep in my heart is this nightmare must be the biggest best blessing that has ever happened to me... Because I know trials bring those big wonderful bestest blessings. So trial I will, even though I really don't want to today. I will keep going to doctors and getting tests and being sick. I will continue to be dehydrated a lot have low blood volume, get IV's, have a very high heart rate, low or hi blood pressure, have migraines,have the worst pains throughout my whole body, have symptomatic anxiety, dry heave, vomit, deal with bowel issues, urinate frequently or a ton, deal with my weirdo eyes, deal with the weakness and fatigue, deal with a spasming pelvic floor, deal with the Endometriosis, Deal with the Lichen planus, Deal with the hypothyroidism, deal with the asthma, the Mast Cell Activation Disorder, Bronchiole pulmonary dysplasia, Joint Hypermobility & it's pain, ...and if the worry comes with that I will deal with it too because I am not alone in this journey! I have Jesus Christ by me guiding me, he is my rock and my savior. I have my Angels...Here on earth, My momma (number one) as well as the rest of my family. My heavenly ones as well. I have purpose. Through all this craziness I just wrote out...I mean this is my life... but it still is beautiful even through all the ugly... because I chose to come here and I chose to live this life and I have purpose! Each and everyone of us here on this earth have a purpose! We all have something to bring to the table. We are ALL one of a kind and special and God loves us, Jesus Christ Loves us and through them we can do anything! So, I guess I can do anything too! Even if for now it is just surviving one day at a time. xo-Chelle

P.S. Tomorrow morning I will be doing my gastric emptying study (24 hours of x-rays to see food move through my tummy and how fast ect.) now these results can tell me if I have gastro paresis so prayers are greatly appreciated as always.