Saturday, March 21, 2015

Inside our portals of pains

"the pain remind this heart this is not our home." Blessings, Mercy River (song) Today was challenging for me. I was up until 3a.m. last night in bad pain from the week of rain. Basically my body was done with the rain and screaming at me. The pain localized in the middle of my spine and lasted all day. In fact I still have it. It wreeked havoc on me physically then, mentally. In fact so bad the muscles in front of my ribs that line the esophagus area started hurting badly from being tight and fighting the back pain. Pain is something I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life. This too physical and emotional. We all do at some point right? I just chronically get this reminder. Sometimes I just  really long for normalcy. I just want a regular day. The pain kinked that chance of normalcy for today from the get go... but then when I got ready to leave my house (this happened yesterday too mind you) I put my flush and feed bags and pump in my backpack and BEEP.... alarming beeps one after another... the whole time. Until my frustrations built and I just turned it off, fuming mad. (Maybe even a little too mad) so you can imagine today frustration hit fast. I just felt suffocated and pushed to my limits and I was... it happens. So I call the home health pharmacy and ended up on the phone for at least an hour. I will be getting another pump tomorrow and I pray it functions right for more then a month or a week. Then more frustration came over me knowing I wasted time and always do with these situations...and the end to these situations is simply non existent. I also have lost much sleep from constantly BEEPING all hours of the night.  Also a lot of anxiety builded up knowing in my mind Monday I have to go to Phoenix to a specialist and it will be an all day backpack trip... Plus the heat shall be there and I am heat intolerant because my autonomic nervous system doesn't work right. This ends very badly for me when this happens. I can dehydrate due to my POTS for no reason. I have to have extra fluids and sodium daily. So heat can put me in a tizzy just walking from car to inside. I hate it... I am hoping it isn't as severe this year with nutrition and better hydration. But I just am bugged. Tonight I broke Down. Sometimes our vision is blocked and we can't see the end of the road. It's part of life, like it or not. I particularly really don't like it, haha which is funny because I have been given a life with a lot of no control of situations. God is building me. He pushes us all, to better us. We all want normalcy and to be like the next person. But we have all been sent here different. Not one of us is the exact same or will live the exact same life. None of us. No one.because we all are meant to be unique. So we can bring something to the world... teach and learn. God I know intended this. I don't want to be normal when I remind myself of my purpose here on Earth. You have the same purpose to live a fulfilling life and grow and teach too. Even I do in the un-normal circumstances of my life. No matter what the storm you endure.God loves you. He is patient and awaiting for us to learn, grow, and love. My heart desires no pain but my life desires pain. Just like the lyrics above that's a reminder that "this is not our home." One day we will be ridded of our earthly burdens...it's in the meantime what we take and do with these situations where we handle them... how we let them define us. I read a quote from dieter f. Uchtdorf yesterday, "It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself,  that determines how your story will develop."-Chelle