Wednesday, October 1, 2014

More in Depth.

So, I just finished my last blog post and I just have such a happy heart and I recently posted I was down and struggling with the realities of being so chronically ill...I wanted to touch on this subject more clearly. I have been undergoing treatments and not getting a lot of help or relief. I just last week had a gastric emptying study to see if  my stomach is paralyzed. I have been vomiting about daily since early August. lots of things going on. In the mist of all this I fell into a low. I didn't feel like I had any value anymore. it was as if every treatment failed every symptom chiseled away at me and I felt I had nothing left but sick. I was sick. Michelle was gone. I did not know what to do. I felt angry and crabby (I won't lie) aside from being constantly afraid of everything and sad. Now I do realize this is part of the grieving process I am going through upon these very life altering diagnoses...and it's okay. I started however to quit practice the use of my tools in life. I didn't read my scriptures nightly and I hardened my heart a little bit (not a proud thing to admit) but I did do one thing... I continued to pray. I felt empty inside and lost. I felt alone. One thing I did know during this time... God was there and Jesus Christ was there for me too as they always are and always have been! I knew if I continued praying everything would be okay in some way. That I could feel in my broken heart. I was right. through the high's and Lows of this lengthy process I still am going through it was like someone turned on my light switch. My prayers were being answered I just wasn't paying full attention. I listened to the general Women's meeting last weekend. I was in a low and I listened anyways by the end of it I  found myself writing down, "I am eating my vegetables." As Elder Holland spoke on life and sometimes we just have to grit down and eat our vegetables...that is where I am at in my life I am simply "Eating my vegetables." I ended up putting that note on my dresser where I stare at it as I wake up in the morning and when going to sleep at night. It helps keep me on track. and I know I will not be forever eating my vegetables and there will  be better days ahead. Also the talk of our bodies being temples and how temples light the darkness and bring forth goodness... I have pondered that all week about how I am a temple and I need to set a Christ like example to the world. Not just because "I should" but because I needed to! When I started to practice my Christ like examples. I caught myself smiling at others more and being more polite, more reverent, I started thinking of others, and I found myself being filled with happiness. It has literally led to a spark inside of me that  I feel glows! I am so blessed and I know it, my heavenly father is so knowledgeable of what I am encountering and going through and how I feel and even when I am a "little brat" and throwing my fits or feeling completely sad and worthless he is there with me and he understands all my negative emotions. I feel like the talks I have listened to were just for me. He is there and he loves you no matter what! You can come unto him, lean on him, and  repent... and he is there with the biggest loving arms! He loves us, each and every one I can testify to this! I find myself having self worth again. Michelle exists again and it's all because I followed Christ like love and instead of giving I ended up receiving such wonderful Christ like love <3 Now because I have a much needed purpose on this earth and because I have something to give always (even if I am sick, in my P.J's, with no makeup) I am posting a quick snap shot. Keep moving forward in the depths of your storm. Cling to the arms of your heavenly father to guide the way and I promise you will never fail or become astray <3 lots of love!!-Chelle
"Each one of us is glorious"-taken from the song Glorious by David Archuleta.