Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Sometimes I can't.

Saturday I was woken by my mother asking if I wanted to go to Flagstaff 2 hours away with my sister and her... to shop... My first half asleep answer, "yes." as I went back to sleep. ( I have a hard time waking partly medicated, partly chronically sick, partly can't eat.) I think about an hour later I was still going. I knew the second time my mother asked I was not going to be attending yet another wonderful memory time with my sister and mom. Once I woke a little I thought in my head "there is no way Michelle." I wanted to whisk it away and play super me and get up and be fine or at least pretend I was ok... But the truth of it was I could simply not shower, pack food for the day I could eat, get ready for the day, travel for 2 hours, shop (that alone I never do), with no way to lay down and rest, and then drive back home. no way, a horrible gut wrenching no way. A punch of reality that quiet frankly I hate! I used to do all those things. Now, I am lucky to get one of those things done in a day. That one day was like a solid weeks worth of things to do. This body I live in now just does not have any sympathy for what I want to do. My mom felt bad and guilty all day (which I hate!) I hate others especially my mom feels bad to leave me for a day. I was sad when I finally woke up the final time to the empty house. again. My heart just sank to my feet & I was quickly feeling very low. I had a good prayer followed by a good cry. I think to myself often, "How did this happen to me?" "where is my life at?" I have a life it just isn't everyone else's terms of "normal". I could feel my force of heavenly love around me that morning. I was truly not alone I surely was accompanies by lots of special sweet angels. (The scriptures promise that ya know?) :) Luckily to my surprise that day the movie The Notebook was on TV! yay! when you watch a lot of TV being sick you get super happy when a good movie comes on. Especially your favorite!! So I watched Ally and Noah. (I am particularly fond of Ally because she has red hair and red heads rock) every time I watch that movie I love that era, and one thing I find I am really fond of is the music! love me some Billie Holiday! Is that weird? I like Jazz from the 30's?? I am listening to it now and something about it just makes me happy and my heart tick. I suggest it for any gloomy day. I have always loved this music but I think as time goes forward my love for it grows. If you are having a rough day watch The Notebook and listen to some good music. There, that's my prescription for you! My mom and sister returned bearing gifts and I have to say it was sweet <3 life gives us lemons but we just have to deal and have faith in our circumstances. Do the best we can with what we have. Remember no matter what God loves you, Jesus Loves you, and there is a whole army of angels with you when you walk in faith! And I am positive lots of people here on earth love you too! Lots of Love! xoxo-Chelle..."I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places this heart of mine embraces all day and through"