Monday, April 20, 2015

Desperation

As the words by Miranda Lambert sing, "Desperation there's danger in frustration." Yes this is a break up, lovers-quarrel song. For me though it brings something that's been fuzzy all week to surface. Reality that I have been very desperate and due to that even more frustrated with life. AND there IS danger in that! Frustration is an emotion we all experience. All for different reasons... Mine? Oh, just being chronically sick for years. Suffering and waiting for a cure. Thinking "one day" a doctor would diagnose me or believe me or both! Then proceed with some miracle pill to cure me. Dysautonomia has taken my life and not only flipped it upside down, but stomped it into the ground and, proceeds to kick it. Just when I think I'm up I'm down. There is no telling the forecast for POTS. My days, hours, well... actually, minutes are all live play by plays. (symptomatically of course) Next month will mark my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with a cruel and unusual disease, POTS/dysautonomia. A disease that is NOT my friend. A disease that has caused me frustration to say the least. But don't worry I won't stay frustrated for too long, that's not what God wants me to do. He wants me to brush it off and stand back up and fight. I believe God understands all our hearts and allows us time to heal or be frustrated in this case... but it is my choice if I want to let a stupid disease ruin my life, or make me stronger. See that's where the danger is in frustration. We can choose to let our frustration take over us and anger us... even make us bitter to the world. We can deny it, or we can let it go and keep moving forward. I choose forward. In forward there is a better chance for happiness. Don't let that dangerous frustration make you feel like I have felt all week. In further lyrics to Desperation by Miranda Lambert- "what's the use of slapping on a smile for a face if your eyes don't want to show"... I let desperation take my smile away for a whole week. tomorrow that all changes no matter what. Even if my IV pole, feeding pump, and feeding tube I quote, "are the going to be the death of me". (you see I said that today out of my frustration and then I had a laugh because that very thing I called the death of me ironically is keeping me alive.) Don't stay on the dangerous side too long, xoxo- Chelle