Monday, March 14, 2016

My life is a mess

Tonight I found a this while cleaning and I remember writing it during conference. It was a sign literally for me.....
 My life is a serious mess right now! I am up and down and all around. But you know what that is okay... I have been dealing with life simply, life. Being sick always adds to my simply life stress. But life is hard and a time of tests and trials! They better us and though I haven't been blogging because I have been processing my big messy life. I have felt a great deal of guilt. I was constantly confused at my writers block and not knowing what to even blog about. And when I would type something up my heart didn't feel in it. I felt like I was letting God down. He is my inspiration for this blog that and to help others. I have been completely honest in my posts on this blog. I have shared my darkest times, my fearful times, my shrieking nightmare times, my triumphant and proud times , and even my sad times in this journey of my life. I wanted to help others in their day to day life especially those who were sick or going through any of the other life's greater challenges. To know one day at a time with God on our side we are going to not only be okay but blossom into the most beautiful , divine, loving souls. I am so chronically sick and it bites but it also blesses me a great heap! The other night I was feeling so bad I. General physically and mentally I was tapped out. I prayed to God with all my heart. I poured out everything and I. All of my everything this blog came out too and my pending guilt of quitting though it was never intentional. It just happened. Do you want to know my loving Heavenly Father's repsond to me? He told me I was not selfish and that I should never feel guilty for o had already helped more people then I would ever believe. That I had poured my very darkest intimate times and posted it for any body in this world to view. I shared my private times and worst times with you out of the hope in my heart that some one somewhere needed to hear what I had to say and see that I struggled too. I don't feel bad for stopping my blog as I have but I have felt so encouraged since that chat with God to start posting again. That starts now my friends. So welcome back to my crazy wonderful life!  I will end with an update on my current medical situation... I am still working on treatments I have been in physical therapy since November. It's been hard and stressful and even very emotional to see my weaknesses. Me and my neurologist are working with medications and natural ways to help my condition POTS aka dysautonomia. I am still eating through my jejunal feeding tube but I am hard headed and keep eating by mouth leading to puking almost daily....
I am starving always. I dislike it a huge amount. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Being sick is tough. I have started seeing a kidney doctor because we suspect my kidneys are not absorbing properly (even for a pots patient) I have been waiting on tests. I will see a rheumatologist hopefully in the near future who only takes hard cases to try figuring out once and for all my rheumalological mess. I still use my port for Iv therapy and I am learning how to make compressions work into my outfits. Through the muck and mess I am gaining muscle tone and strength but it's completely complicated because I am still sick and weak and worn despite this. I am still chronically fab and taking it one day at a time. much Love-Chelle