Saturday, June 7, 2014

All Over the Place, Don't Mind Me

I apologize for not posting for  a few days... I have had so many emotions, I could not even sort them out long enough to post about them. This past week has been wonderful in so many ways. O started gaining strength and feeling a little better for days in a row! Hallelujah! I was feeling soo very blessed and I just kept putting all my fears and worries into the Lords hands. I decided I was just like okay I am going to give him all this negativity and all this fear and anxiety. It was harder at first and got slowly easier but from the second I did that I didn't necessarily feel physically better but my heart felt like hey I can do it and it will really be okay in the end. He's got this! and through out my week I was on cloud 9 or I was upset or I was scared or I was feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed. I was like minute to minute changing how I felt. And I was really frustrated with myself because I kept going Michelle you should be happy you are making improvements! Years of hard work and misery is paying off! be happy! but I was still everywhere... When you start making improvements it feels foreign, you feel really uncomfortable, like something major is missing. Then you feel sadness because everything is changing and wait a minute what am I suppose to do?! Then you feel scared to trust in feeling better at all, because you are scared it will come back and you will have jinxed it. Then after that you feel sooo happy because you walked down the street to the stop sign! The sadness sinks in...did I really just feel so happy over walking down the street to the stop sign. Is this real? I am that weak and sick, I knew I was really sick but I am this sick? How will I ever be anything or recover from all of this? will I ever be okay again. except I knew the answer to that last part I know I will be Okay. I have been told it a million times by my heavenly father... I just know I need time... so after days of being at home and this happening.....I went to physical therapy! ( I went the longest in between visits ever) Therapy was great we were all thrilled I was finally making some sort of real progress after 2 years! Then, something happened, I walked into the restaurant in 105 degree heat. In the time it took me to get into the building I was not okay. I felt like I was so fatigued things were numb. I felt woozy and dizzy. I felt like I was passing out. I felt AWFUL! So my mother got me fluids and we dumped electrolyte tablets in it and fed me salty foods and I took salt tablets. I finally popped out of it. (how embarrassing) and it was time to go right back out... So my mom picked me up at the curb and it helped but the rest of the day I was soooo tired from that "episode" After this is was all down  hill really. My body started to feel like it was shorting out or something not working. I got  a little cold and shivered for hours (air conditioning cold). I got hot the next day and had to go through it again but that time didn't seem as awful...however followed my the worst stomach ache in the world. nausea. fatigue. headache. freezing cold/burning up. pain everywhere. numbness. Shaky tremors. grouchiness. It was awful I cried my eyes out over pain and misery last night. I just kept praying to be able to get through this and be safe. Heavenly father did it he got me fluids and salt and I fell asleep not too long after this "I think I am dying sick" kicked in. (it really feels like you are so sick you must be dying, because no one could feel this bad and not die) and I just woke up...well I woke up quite a bit last night. I am doing better not in dire pain. not feeling like vomiting. My stomach seems okay knock on wood. I still feel shorted out and like things aren't working quite right in my body. I feel extremely fatigued physically. my spine hurts pretty bad. my muscles all feel like bruised because I tremmored and shook for so long. My eyes feel dilated still. It is crazy but I am better then last night. last night was awful! I hate the end of a good streak but I have faith it will come back again. here is the better news (sarcasm) my neurologist is out of town until the 16th ahhhh! that made me more nervous last night but I do know there are other neurologists on call but he is the guru of what dysautonomia and the nervous system so I just am like hey get back here! haha and I lost an amazing doctor due to him being very ill last year unexpectedly and then another doctor I had passed away so phew I get nervous when someone is helping me I feel like telling them to be safe and lecturing them haha but I would Never! do that! anyways that is where I am stupid killer heat! and stupid Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome! and stupid Mass Cell Activation! Okay I am done...have a beautiful weekend! stay safe and if you are sick my heart goes out to you! Pray!-Chelle
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