Friday, June 13, 2014

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

going to let you in on a little secret... I have been grieving my new POTS/Dysautonomia/mass cell activation ... I just started feeling really down about it. I haven't quit but I feel like a huge part of me will never be that same girl again. & I want her back! I Don't miss the big things that used to be in my life (even when I was sick then) like going to school or cheer or dance, parties, vacations.... I miss the simple things, family time, putting my  makeup on, doing my hair, taking a shower, cleaning the house, running to the store for a few things, people those are the things I truly miss the most... I just have felt defeated and probably being extra sick than normal sick is not helping the situation. I am suffering from just about anything and everything in waves right now. I have insomnia again and lots of awful pain.... which gives me anxiety because one time I went a WHOLE  week without any sleep! It's the most excruciating thing ever!! Don't ever try it! so some old trauma likes to sneak up on me too.... however tonight I was struggling with my faith, (as embarrassing as that is to admit) and when I say faith I mean I lost hope for my life, all I could see was it was over and nothing would ever get better. I know  God is there and Jesus and the Holy ghost deep in my heart but I have felt a distance all week. I have been angry all week, Where are you! I need you! don't you know I am suffering mentally and physically! and I finally realized. it's me. I am the one being distant. Because I am grieving I wasn't in tune with the Lord, almost like I had my back to him, so I couldn't see him... but I was desperately searching for him. Tonight from suffering from a million symptoms I am awake and on my computer (only source of distraction at times like these)  I happened to look at my Facebook page, and the song popped into my head the second I hit my page. My song "never alone" Lady antebellum, a beautiful tender mercy from my past. so I played that song on YouTube super fast and continued scrolling down. As I was scrolling down I looked at my posts for the past few months and I realized what am I doing? I am a fighter! I have the Lord on my side & in my heart! I am a positive person who never chooses to let being sick defeat me! WHAT am I doing to myself!? and I had a huge reality check that my grieve is causing so much more grief in my life. It is perfectly okay to grieve.... but the actions (emotionally/mentally) I have been practicing are not. They are what defeat me. I am what is defeating me. I can win this God is right there I just have to turn unto him and let him be involved. He is there! He is helping me! he is being patient, I am so thankful for the tender mercies I constantly receive in my life. The struggle is there but the reward is there too. Thank you Heavenly Father xoxo- your daughter-Chelle