Yesterday was a good day over all. I wore makeup! for the first time in what felt like weeks. I felt pretty for the first time in weeks. My siblings came over and I was silly and laughing for the first time in... well let's not answer that. So I had a good day right!? Yes, then why i felt so low made no sense. I think that happens because on the good days we enjoy them yes. But after they expire, we are faced with reality that we are missing out. Not living to the full. Struggling. The burden digs in deep into the heart.
As you all have known, I have been strongly encouraged by the Lord to stay happy in this less then wonderful situation of the recent diagnosis of Gastroparesis, courtesy of my neurologic condition Dysautonomia (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). The past few days I have struggled. I have struggled with the way I physically feel. I have been having massive pain with eating anything, even a sucker made me ill and hurt just yesterday. I am starving. (am on Total Parenteral Nutrition, so safe) I have suffered pelvic pain at a higher level. My head aches.I have been burdened with stress. I have been more anxious and on my toes. I have been more tired. I have felt more discouraged as reality sets in. I can't eat. No matter how bad I want it. I get sick. I know God wants me to be happy. Here and now. Going through this complicated headache. I know I am strong but just 5 minutes ago, I was unaware. Courtesy of Al Fox and Meg Johnson...and of course my Father in Heaven.... I have had my prayers answered again. I was feeling so down and just weak. I had let the pain and struggle get me. I was feeling incomplete, yet again. I felt like I could no longer climb this mountain. It was simply too big! Didn't God know what I was going through? Did he not realize POTS spelled backwards was STOP?? Didn't he know how weak I am? Oh, He knew alright. He knew my hearts aches because he is My one and only Heavenly Father who loves me very much. Because of this, he not only listened to my hearts woes, but gave me and Olive Leaf I have been praying for. (referring to the olive leaf from Noah) In Meg and Al's talks The lord not only lifted me and inspired me, he showed me.
The first talk was about Gilead and how his army had to shrink down to 300 men and it was this whole process but of course it was a trial for Gilead and he was unsure and feeling like hello, don't you know all my weaknesses here in the situation) but in the end they where victorious. (because of God) then Meg shared a personal story about having a really long day and being to tired to wheel herself up her wheelchair ramp to cook dinner. She prayed and told the Lord she'd practice her faith and push as hard as she could but she didn't think she'd make it. (usually she falls backwards) but this time the whole way up she went. Al spoke on the bad and the good days. Sometimes those bad days seem to never end and we can get down. But the good days are sure to come around again. But even still those trying times come and it's harder. Trials come. Some days have more faith then others. Some days it's almost impossible to pray out of anger or physical reasons. Others we pray all day. Others we are weepy...this is my life.(I am all over the place but I know my plate is a platter and I have strengths) but I needed to know God knew my situation. Right this second. So I prayed. and I came across these. They so were meant for me to hear. God was involved because he showed me through their talks, he is there and I can do this. What he gave me was reassurance to all the things I was already aware of. He doesn't want me to list my negatives and short comings. They don't matter. I must focus on the good, the positive. No matter how weak or disqualified I think I am. Take a deep breath. I can do this. He is there, to help me up. I just have to walk in faith and continue hoping! - Blessed Chelle
P.S. go check out Meg Johnson and Al Fox if you haven't already! They are both awesome and truly inspiring!!