Monday, August 11, 2014

Hearts of Hurt, Release and Move Forward.

My heart hurts tonight, mentally and physically. That's the strange thing about Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome Dysautonomia. My heart hurts legitly when I am worked up even when I am not worked up it just likes to hurt sharply. Tonight I carry a heavy burden that simply comes with the territory of being sick, we hurt all day and some days more then others we struggle through the night hours in our pain... our minds wonder about treatments, medications, will I need surgery, am I going to even have any treatment for this, & the dreaded what am I suppose to do?...Sometimes when you are chronically ill especially with and invisible illness... it is super easy for most people to write you off as fine or dramatic. But sometimes the ones we love forget and sometimes they are blind to the mask on the outside as well. They don' t mean to, it just happens. Sometimes what follows this is they can't help you at the end of the day get well. They can't cure you. So there can be another frustration from a loving family member. Being sick effects them as well maybe even sometimes more then  we realize...Sometimes, they are scared too! There are times upon diagnoses that we have to sit back and start accepting our new life. Accept that things may or may not change for the better, accept that we now have permanent obstacles to face. Mountains to climb. There will always be a part of me grasping onto the before sick me but I know if I don't let her go permanently she is going to drag me down and take all my happiness away. Even my gift of life. She can taunt me that's okay. It's okay to miss her for a moment but I must do what I need & that my friends is to move on, move forward, except the non so perfect happiness. Even if that bothers somebody else, even if that other person is not ready to let go...With the knowledge in our hearts that we can have happiness always in any dark corner of life through our redeemer Jesus Christ. Amen. - Chelle