Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I don't want to be left behind

When I was 14 years old I started having female issues... They started talking about me having Endometriosis. My mom and I knew nothing of that disease... Which led my mom to the Internet. I remember she printed out some papers she found about Endometriosis. And I remember being really upset because it said it was one of the top causes of infertility and back then there wasn't so much information on the Internet about this stuff. It was a scary chunk of information. For the first time in my life I was loosing control over something I was not willing to bargain with let alone give up. A year later at age 15 I had a laparoscopic surgery to see if I did in fact have Endometriosis. The new doctor I had been seeing promised me before surgery I did have endometriosis (at that point I was relieved because I have convinced my 15yr old self that I had cancer). Surgery showed  Endometriosis and I was officially diagnosed. At that point I struggled with pain and health issues. I seemed to only be picking up more and more new symptoms for the next 7 and a half years. While searching frantically for help. No docs could figure me out. I was crazy, depressed, dramatic, attention seeking , oh but some did believe me once In a while but their help was always limited nothing came together as a whole until I was diagnosed with POTS or dysautonomia. As soon I started feeling like I had learned what the condition detailed my stomach failed me and paralyzed due to the Dysautonomia. I then fell in to that world quickly and am now tube fed. I started looking into pregnancy and these diseases because none of my doctors would really talk about it. In fact at that point most of those fancy specialist had the motto the less questions the better ( a motto that I highly disagree with) so I looked into studies and two things basically can happen (keep in mind lots of women have had babies) but one way was worsening of symptoms during pregnancy leaving a hard and stressful environment for baby and mom. But then having improved symptoms after birth. Then the other outcome is getting better during pregnancy and health declining down after birth. I had a heavy heart but pretty much then made the decision that it wouldn't be fair or safe in my book (I mean I live in this body I know what it does) it wasn't fair to the kid to have issues due to my body not working nor was it fair for me to risk my health declining anymore than it already has. I mean I'm already struggling with the norm and not winning. But I remember the night I was watching the little couple on TLC and they adopted their son Will. I was overcome with joy and I though to myself I can do this I could see myself doing that for the very first time. And right then I knew God had lifted my heavy burden. I've had peace with the situation every since. (Isn't it funny how I started out with not being able to have kids being my nightmare to not wanting to have kids on my own and adopting). Life changes just like the seasons we never know where we will be in the next 7 1/2 years. Sometimes I wonder why me? Why can't I be like everyone else? But I know why and in the back of my head I always hear it and  " it's going to be okay" I will get my fairytale one day. And if your struggling with these things it is okay to be jealous and cry. It's not fair. But don't hate or wish anything upon anyone else. You see if you have hate in your heart that's not going to do you one bit of good... But if you remember you have a plan, that God gave it to you. And work with patience in life you will be okay. We don't always get  what we want in life but we get what we need. So cry let it out and move forward with hope and faith knowing God  has your back and there will be a day when you get your turn too. And remember no body lives a perfect life we all have our own problems and struggles in our own ways! Lots of love, -Chelle 
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