Monday, April 14, 2014

I'm Not Going To Lie, This Is Oh So Hard I Can Hardly Stand it! Something Stronger Is Helping Me

I'm not going to lie or sugar coat anything.... this weekend was awful and I am not happy with this new non "official" but "official" diagnosis ... I hate the treatment I can only get about 3-4 thousand mg of salt down without getting totally sick... I still don't feel good but I can tell a difference... I was the girl who didn't salt anything now I have to intake soo much salt and water just to stay safe and out of the hospital... I got a phone call Friday with a whole bunch of things to start doing and they have all been frustrating, overwhelming, and hard. Working out is hard especially when if you over do it you will  make your symptoms worse...I am tired. I have been sick for 7 YEARS & 8 months!! I knew what was wrong with me was going to be rare I new it was going to not be great but I never dreamed I'd have a neurologic condition that effects my  autonomic nervous system that really effects my heart and my whole body and what it does....I hate knowing there may be more wrong...that I am a "mystery". I hate reading in high school I should of had an IEP and didn't even when I took the time to be tested because I struggled so badly.... I served several detentions and in school suspensions for being tardy no matter how many doctors notes I had and really I had no help that direction... they didn't understand I was tardy because I literally couldn't get out of bed and I did everything I could to attend school so tardy was better than none...and looking back I was so strong ...  my mother would speak with my teachers and they'd just be in awe to hear I had no actual social life even though I was Varsity Cheer captain...they didn't know everyday after practice I'd come home and feel like death and want to quit... weekends were spent in bed sleeping to survive the next week... I'm glad I did it I am glad! I didn't miss out on opportunity and reading about POTS it's not uncommon to be athletic in fact it's common... But eventually you wind up at home all the time wondering how all this happened... last night I took all the pictures in my room down...they hurt too much to see, I know that stabbing pain will eventually get better and I will be brave again. All the college I have mastered I now have a 4.0 in college with all these things against me... with actual cognitive problems... I did it ... I won and even though now things are so scary and upsetting and I feel totally defeated, I am a fighter I always have been and I wouldn't survive this life any other way... I know those days that are awful and I say "I quit" , I know that's just the overload of this bumpy uncontrollable rollercoaster I live on. I know somehow I will figure it out again... I am not a quitter no matter what the odds are... things are far from what I want in life or even ever imagined but it's temporary I can lean on my savior... he knows, he understands, life can make you or break you people in awful situations that appear to be amazing they worked so hard to be that way and they probably don't feel amazing all the time... they probably struggle with the unthinkable to us... things we would never even imagine... trials are tough for everyone! WE all have them and we all have help at the end of the day from heaven above, We are given trials to strengthen us... eternity is so much more important that the pit stops of hardships... I received a fortune cookie this weekend in my nightmare reality crazy upside down world I was in, am still in... it read, "Hold tight to your dreams." I know it was a sign from heaven... and I know my heavenly Father understands when I feel upset, he gets it.... but then he sends me beautiful tender mercies like a sentence in a fortune cookie straight from heaven ... I feel beat up but god is with me I am in fact Never Alone the tune that keeps playing in my mixed up head as a reminder of my Savior's sweet love for me I am never alone ever...even when things feel as bad as they can possibly get, " May the angels protect you, and heaven except you when its time to go home, may you always have plenty, your glass never empty, and know in your belly, you're never alone. Never alone, never alone, I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown, wherever you fly this isn't good bye, my love will follow you stay with you baby, you're never alone... Well I have to be honest as much as I wanted I'm not gonna promise the cold winds wont blow so when hard times have found you and your fear surrounds you wrap my love around you you're never alone"-Lady Antebellum... my first (well probably not my first, just the first time I realized it) tender mercy from the Lord he sent his love in a song and that song plays in my head in the hardest of lonely times... that isn't a coincidence. It is my Father in Heaven taking care of me, wrapping his love around me forever and ever. I can do this, it's a choice. Hard or not, a choice.